


You are Mine [In this life or any other]

by Confused_Em0



Series: Tell me you’re mine and I’ll let you breathe. [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 616 elements, Angst, Are You Catching My Drift, Blow Jobs, Bucky Barnes Feels, Desperation, Doing anything for the one you love, Extremis, Feeling Like The World Is Ending, Heartache, Jealousy, Loki is a Good Bro, M/M, Mentioned 616 Characters, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Post Civil War, Post Infinity War, References to Oral Sex, Someone's World Is Literally Ending, Steve Rogers Feels, Threesome - M/M/M, Tony Stark Feels, Too many feels, redeemed loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-14 19:05:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4576227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confused_Em0/pseuds/Confused_Em0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’d do anything for you Tony.” The grip around Tony’s waist tightened. “Anything.</p><p>“I know you don’t want to hear it, I know you don’t want us around,” he breathed along Tony’s lips, voice breaking a little at that admission, “but nothing’s going to change the fact that I love you. Heart, body and soul. It is yours. And I’d do anything in this world to keep you safe. Even if it meant forsaking everything that I have, everything that I am. I would do it, just for you.”</p><p>Sequel to, ‘Beware of Super Soldiers and their Enticing Laps.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In t[his] time of dying

**Author's Note:**

> This has too much feels, not enough porn and probably isn’t what you were expecting (but it had to be this way).
> 
> Also in case you don’t like him, Loki is namely for plot purposes (but he is a good bro). 
> 
> I wrote this for you because I love you babies.

“You know I could always try to slow its progress down with the use of magic…”

Tony simply cocked a brow at the Asgardian, who raised one of his own in return; expression deadpan.“And you’re offering this despite knowing my absolute _hatred_ for magic?”

Loki shifted from where he was perched on top of one of the only empty benches in Bruce’s lab, coming to peer at the holograms the scientist had opened up over his shoulder.  

“Well it was only a suggestion given that you seem to be entirely running out of options.”

Tony considered the Jotun’s words, always amazed despite himself, that life had brought him to such a stage where he was quite literally in the company of a being who had at one point in time wanted him, along with the rest of his comrades, dead. And this was accompanied by the fact that their interactions were now free from any form of hostility or hidden malice. Loki genuinely only wanted to help him, surprisingly even save him without any gain for himself.

Then again, all of this shouldn’t still appear strange to Tony given that after Thanos’ attack, with Loki on the side of the Avengers as an ally, the Asgardian was on the path to redemption.

Of course it would be long before the others, save Thor, were even remotely accepting of Loki - despite it being established that the god had been under Thanos’ control when the Chitauri had attacked - let alone be comfortable in his presence like Tony seemed to be.

Though Tony supposed that had more to do with the fact that he and Loki had saved each other’s lives over the span of the infinity war more than once – and wasn’t that just a thought?

The Asgardian’s arresting green eyes shifted to meet Tony’s once again. “I’m sure even Doctor Banner here would be inclined to agree that you are in desperate need of anything that could aid you.”

Bruce made a face, surreptitiously inching away from the god’s overhanging presence, before accepting the data analysis sheets Marissa handed to him. “As much as I’d like to vehemently disagree Tony, he’s right about one thing, we are running out of time.”

“Oh come on, that’s not true, right Marissa?” Tony waggled his eyebrows at his fellow researcher, attempting to lighten the mood even now, when things got too serious to think on.

The tall, dark-haired beauty only frowned at him. “I’m not so sure Tony. Given the current rate of your decline and the virus’ progression, even Helen seems to be struggling to find an inhibitor that could stop Extremis replication.”

The woman removed her glasses from atop her nose before massaging the cartilage in an obvious display of frustration. “Despite having investigated every avenue, damnit! After all that time spent on the possible idea of using stem cells to lure the virus away, we’ve still got nothing.”

Tony sighed, reaching over to place a gentle hand over the brunette’s in order to offer comfort, which was ironic given that he was the one currently dying.

Again.

He suppressed the urge to sigh again.

The three of them, along with Dr. Cho had spent the good part of the last four months trying to come up with ways to hinder the progression of Extremis, given that there was no way to eliminate this advanced serum once it was introduced to a host, after something had triggered the should-have-been latent virus.

Marissa was an associate Tony had known during his college days and had kept in contact with over the years and along with Helen, was likely the best geneticist of her time.

For as long as Tony had known her, the woman had been fiercely independent but equally as kind.

Till this day – and that was saying a lot considering all the decent people he had known over the span of his life – he hadn’t met a single person who was as strongly empathetic toward humanity as she was.

So when Pepper had given her a call, desperate for some way to help Tony given that he had started to display symptoms of Extremis aftershock once again, Marissa had only said yes.

Despite the inevitable result of nothing being achieved, Tony was sincerely thankful for the help he had received.

Really though, if he thought about it, his number had been up a long time ago – any time he lived after that was just overkill – excuse the pun.

Loki’s eyes appeared to show that he knew exactly what was going through the engineer’s head, if the intensity of the unsmiling scrutiny was anything to go by. His expression darkened.

_Uh oh._

“You see, I’m beginning to suspect that you don’t much care for your current dilemma Tony Stark.”

Tony tried to feign anger, “What? Don’t be ridiculous –”

“Then pray tell _why_ , have you not told the rest of your team? If you had, then you would have more support at your disposal. Had Shield been aware, then perhaps they could have explored other avenues. I’m pretty sure agent Romanoff would’ve scoured the earth to find a way, my brother would surely have looked into ways not of this world –”

“You know I don’t like –”

“Or are you deliberately keeping this information from them, Mr. Stark? Perhaps you’re hiding away here so that you do not have to address the situation or make others aware of it. People that may _actually_ have the ability to help you. Since when did you become a martyr?”

 _Since telling the others would only hurt them!_ Tony wanted to scream. God, did Loki even know? What it would do to him to break the hearts of the people Tony cared most about in this world?

He could only imagine the disappointment he would see in Steve’s eyes, and that would be enough to break Tony completely, to know that he had been the one to put that look on the soldier’s face once again. And just what was he supposed to tell Bucky let alone the rest of the team? Sorry guys, looks like I’m about to kick the bucket once again. Don’t be too sad, I’m sure life would only be easier without me.

History only knew that that was true; no apocalyptic worlds caused by murderous robots hell-bent on destroying every living thing, repercussions of which led to a cataclysmic war –

And seriously what was he thinking? He had thought that he had put these dark thoughts behind him – earned himself a sense of maturity after surviving all that he had in the span of the last few years.

Yes that was true.

He no longer felt the reckless need to drag his life through destruction caused by self-pity but he sure as hell didn’t want to make other people suffer any more than he had in the past.

Take for example, an event that out of everything else, should have _broken_ him and yet he hadn’t run away and hidden like his past self would have.

He had not only sat through Pepper and Happy’s wedding but he had sincerely given them his blessing without breaking down once, hadn’t he? If that was the case, then Loki’s accusations were baseless… But the Asgardian didn’t know that and given the looks Bruce and Marissa were giving him, they didn’t know any better either.

“Honestly Reindeer Games, you need to chill. I haven’t told them because I genuinely thought we could find a way out of this without having to resort to sending the team into a state of panic” – and Tony had to mentally pat himself on the back for thinking that _that_ would be because they actually cared about him and not because they would miss his work – “Besides I honestly don’t think they could have done much.”

Loki snorted uncharacteristically. “Try explaining that to the _soldiers_ on your deathbed.”

Tony frowned. There it was again. That same bitterness that seemed to linger around Loki every time he either mentioned Tony’s super-soldiers or was in their presence.

Then again, the soldiers never seemed to mask their rather strong dislike for the god anytime he was around. This dislike was more apparent when it was realised that Tony and the god had formed an unlikely friendship of sorts – if you could even call it that.

It wasn’t that Tony wasn’t still wary of Loki, but really it was only after having saved each other’s asses so many times, that there wasn’t at least a little trust involved.

Despite his train of thought going along a different tangent, Tony had to begrudgingly accept that Loki may have a point, in that Tony really was delaying telling the others.

After that eventful night over a week ago, Tony had been secretly grateful for the reason to leave for a conference with Bruce to Switzerland. Though he hadn’t exactly run away.

He had left for genuine reasons seeing as the topic of the conference hosted by Dr. Robertson, expert virologist, had been on new antivirals in the stages of clinical trials that were showing promising results. (Alas that had come out fruitless as well).

Within that time, the soldiers had left for a mission to Monaco and had supposedly yet to return.

Tony could still recall quite vividly waking up the morning after, sandwiched in-between the two – Steve to his left and Bucky to his right – with Steve’s aching cock pressed up right along his ass; thick, hard and hot to the touch.

The blond’s left hand had wound itself around Tony’s waist, trailing feather-light fingers along his inner thighs before stopping to play with his balls; massaging the skin, feeling the weight of them in his hands; working those strong fingers along his perineum and ghosting them over his hole before taking a hold of his length.

Steve had shifted closer, smelling strongly of Tony and sex, so that his cock had aligned with the bottom of Tony’s ass; the soldier beginning with shallow thrusts between the cheeks to gain friction.

He had pressed small kisses behind his ear, breathing a low moan of, “ _Tony_ ,” when the engineer began to harden in his hand. “I really, really want to _fuck you_ …” And despite how embarrassing it had been, Tony had simply mewled at the admission; his pulsing cock jumping at the words.

Steve had pulled Tony in further, thrusting much faster, jerking Tony off just as quick. “But not right now,” he had whispered into his hair; voice catching at the end. “I don’t think I can hold it in that long,” and true to that, the soldier had thrusted erratically a few more times before his body had gone tight behind Tony as he came; attaching his teeth to the still sensitive mark Bucky had imprinted onto his neck, coating Tony’s ass and balls and the sheets underneath them with his come.

He had given a few more purposeful tugs along Tony’s cock; bringing his other hand around from underneath Tony to pinch and play with one of his nipples and like a switch that had gone off, Tony had come as well, making a mess of Steve’s hand and the space between himself and the then awake Bucky.

Still sticky with Tony’s come, Steve had brought his hand down around Tony’s ass and effectively rubbed the come, along with his own that had coated Tony’s lower backside, into his inner thighs, massaging it into his balls before spreading it around the rim of his asshole in some primal claim of ownership.

He had then pulled away that same hand, only to bring it up and in front of Tony’s mouth, running it along his lower lip to coax it open. Tony had shivered and groaned when he had realised what it was Steve had been asking him to do; his flaccid, oversensitive cock twitching painfully in response.

Seriously if Extremis wouldn’t do the job, Tony was pretty sure the two super-soldiers would be enough on their own to kill him.

As if Tony had needed any more motivation, Steve had smeared the come still on those fingers along Tony’s lips, forcing out a, “ _Suck_ ,” into Tony’s ear in his take-charge Captain’s voice. And that voice alone could make Tony readily weak on a good day, then how could he have possibly disobeyed then?

Having kept eye contact with Bucky, whose eyes had become a shade or two darker at the possessive display, Tony had opened his mouth and sucked in the long digits dirty with their come. Bucky had reached over and pulled Tony’s jaw down so that he could see inside as Tony had swirled his tongue around the fingers in his mouth; an obscene sound tearing past his throat at the gesture.

Steve had shivered at that, subconsciously thrusting a few more times along Tony’s back, smearing some more of his come along the curve of his ass.

“Such a good boy,” Steve had pressed into Tony’s neck, “Taking care of his soldiers.” Tony had sucked the digits a little harder as a result of the lewd encouragement; the effort proving difficult with the persistent grip Bucky had still had on him.

Steve had growled behind him; removing his fingers from Tony’s mouth, before bringing it to his own and sucking the digits clean, effectively licking away any and all of Tony’s saliva.

“You’ll be good to us won’t you Tony?” Steve’s fingers had been back on his body, trailing along his chest before having taken a claim of a nipple between them once again. “We could tie you up and keep you here. Never share you again with the rest of the world. How about it?” Steve’s breath had ghosted the side of his jaw before he had trailed kisses there. “Tony Stark’s attention should never be divided. Its entire focus should only ever be on us.”

_I don’t like it when you don’t pay attention to us._

Before Tony could’ve replied, Bucky had moved from his position on his left, mouthing out a, “I like the sound of that,” reaching up to bring Tony’s head down into a kiss; his tongue slipping inside without any wait, sucking what had been remaining of their come on Tony’s lips into his own mouth.

It had been some time after when the soldiers had decided to let him go (Bucky coming at least twice, and once inside Tony, before that), Tony having noticed the anxious glances they had given each other, probably correctly assuming that once Tony was gone, he was never coming back.

Though now, the reason for that was Tony quite literally not making it to the end of the year.

Tony had the sudden urge to laugh without any humour behind the action at that morbid thought given the flashes of erotic ones that had preceded them.

Noticing that the look of displeasure on Loki’s face hadn’t eased up, Tony picked himself up from the stool he had been sitting on, walking over to where the holographic display of the virus was. Something had reactivated it and Tony had spent agonising hours trying to determine the possible cause.

He had to wonder however, if Extremis had ever really been suppressed or if the artificially designed virus had been continually replicating this entire time, hidden from sight, manifesting only when it had almost rewritten fifty percent of his DNA.

The engineer dragged a heavy hand across his face.

There really wasn’t a damned thing they could do to reverse the effects of this particular strain. When Helen had designed it, she hadn’t exactly thought everything through. Then again, she hadn’t really expected to use it so soon after its creation at the test-tube stage.

Loki, having noticed the apparent change in his mood, came around to place an understanding hand on Tony’s shoulder as if in momentary display of surrender. Tony didn’t have any time to return the gesture however, as the door of the lab suddenly swung open with obvious force; Friday’s belated announcement of the arrivals becoming background noise.

“Get. Away. From. Him.”

Tony stood stock-still as he watched Bucky Barnes flex his metal arm – the only part of his body not covered by his Winter Soldier uniform; plates shifting and whirring as if in clear declaration of warning; hands clenching into tight fists as he marched up to Loki, baring his teeth.

Loki the bastard, didn’t seem to give much care to the threat, not even flinching in his determination to stay right where he stood. “And just what are you going to do Sergeant Barnes if I don’t?”

_Seriously Jack Frost, you’re going to refer to him as Sergeant?_

Bucky snarled. “Oh just give me a reason to punch your pompous face through the wall.”

Loki looked to retort while Bucky looked just about ready to go ahead with his promise of violence, consequences be damned, when a strong, authoritative, “That’s enough,” gave them both momentary pause.

Tony turned his head in time to see Steve walk toward them, battle worn in his Captain’s uniform, only to stop a few paces away, likely in case he physically needed to intervene; his beautiful face a barely masked cloud of fury. Well it looked like the soldiers had arrived from their mission in Monaco then.

Loki gritted his teeth though not before letting out a condescending, “Ah Captain, here to assert your unwanted authority onto us?”

Steve’s expression did not change although Tony didn’t fail to see the way the muscles in his jaw tensed.

Shit.

There would be trouble if they didn’t do exactly as they were told.

Steve’s blue eyes were on Loki’s fierce green, gaze unflinching as he spoke very slowly, “You need to leave. _Now_.” He looked over toward Bruce and Marissa, “All of you. Except Tony.”

Tony could see Bruce’s hand trembling at his side through the corner of his eye. The guy really hated confrontation and Loki only seemed to be making things worse by not relenting. “And are you going to force us out if we refuse?”

“He might not but I. Will.” That was all the warning Bucky gave before he shoved hard enough at Loki to send the Asgardian searing back into the nearest wall. Tony could hear Marissa give a yelp of surprise at the hostility behind them.

Tony knew enough of Loki to acknowledge that he wouldn’t ever let something like that go, so he did the best thing he could think of doing and that was to come in-between them before Loki reciprocated in kind. Or did something stupid that would get him killed – like completely fucking up Bucky’s arm with magic.

“Loki stop. It’s not worth it –” Though before he could get anything else out, Bruce had intervened, forcing his way in front of a murderous looking Winter Soldier; his hands still shaking at his sides.

He breathed through his nose calmly a few times.

“Barnes,” he said slowly, “You better pull back before things get really ugly,” before his eyes, ominously shifting between shades of brown and green, moved to meet Steve’s, “and Captain I suggest you tell me what your intentions are right now because I’m about seconds away from making sure the Hulk himself, removes you both personally from the lab.”

Steve moved over toward Bucky, pulling the other soldier away, “Bucky that’s enough,” before regarding Bruce once again. “Stand down Dr. Banner,” the blond replied, “I’m not here to look for trouble,” though nothing in his expression showed that he wouldn’t be an active participant if the situation called for it, “We need to speak with Tony privately. If you could grace us with that time, we would both appreciate it,” he finished, gesturing to both Bucky and himself.

Bruce took a few moments just watching the two soldiers, likely attempting to reign in his anger lest the big guy take over. When he realised imminent threat was unlikely (seeing as even Loki appeared subdued for the moment – really no-one wanted to deal with a pissed off Hulk), his tensed shoulders relaxed somewhat as he took in a deep breath.

“That’s all fair and fine Steve” – back to first names, Tony noticed, that was a good sign – “but you’re missing the point here and that’s _Tony’s_ permission. You can’t just force your way over and demand his attention. There’s certain etiquette that needs to be adhered to even when requesting the simplest of things.”

“I understand,” Steve nodded, accepting, “Our apologies Bruce.” His blue eyes moved away from Bruce’s to meet Tony’s and Tony for the first time since their arrival, saw the underlying sadness that was present there.

It was because of him.

Tony had put that sadness there.

Damnit.

“Tony may we speak with you please?”

“Tony?” Bruce looked over his shoulder, silently asking him if what they were requesting was okay. Tony felt a lot thankful for that, for Bruce, for him to look out for Tony till this day. Tony smiled at his friend, nodding his head slightly.

Well he had put this conversation off for as long as possible. Now had to be a good a time as any to finally inform the soldiers of what was going on, considering Bucky looked about moments away from ripping Loki’s throat out, who was in fact still glaring unrelentingly at the soldier.

“Okay. _Okay_ ,” Bruce nodded, more as a need to draw his focus rather than as a gesture of understanding. “Marissa if you’ll follow me please.” Bruce didn’t wait for the woman to actually follow before making his way out. It was clear that he was still on edge and needed to get away from the environment as soon as possible; Loki’s hovering and the thoughts of unfavourable past interactions with the god certainly not making matters easier.

Marissa – bless her naive heart – stalked her way over toward Bucky; fierce bespectacled eyes sharply on his. “That behaviour was uncalled for soldier. This gentleman was only trying to help us with our research, providing avenues we have not yet explored –” but before she could get any further words out, the edge of the table Bucky had had a hold of in order to keep himself composed, gave way with a loud crack as wooden splinters rained down from the torn edge; the jagged pieces becoming debris in his hand.

His flesh-and-blood hand.

Oh boy.

“You need to leave _now_. Lady.”

Loki was near Marissa within seconds, olive-green eyes glaring at Bucky, before turning a concerned look toward Tony, who only nodded in response to reassure him, before grabbing Marissa by the arm and vanishing from sight.

The room was deafeningly quiet for a few moments. Tony rounded on Bucky, “What the _hell_ was that? You can’t just come in here and attack people, _are you serious?_ ” who looked like he didn’t give two shits about what he had done, answering with a, “You’ve been back for almost two days, why didn’t you tell us?”

“Why didn’t I tell – well aside from the fact that you _weren’t here_ – and you’re ignoring what I’m saying, you’re completely ignoring what I’m saying.”

“Tony please,” Steve’s soft spoken voice – a complete contrast to his commandeering tone from only moments ago – was enough to immediately stop Tony in his ramblings.

“Something’s going on,” Bucky started once again. “You’re not telling us something. What are you hiding?”

“I’m not hiding –” was Tony’s reflexive response but he knew that was a blatant lie and he needed to move past his knee-jerk reaction to keep things hidden. It would only make the situation worse.

“Then _why_ is that woman always around you? Research is it?”

Bucky’s fingers clenched at his side as if attempting to stop them from further decimating the broken table.

“Listen Barnes –” and Tony immediately realised his mistake when the soldier stiffened at his side.

“Right. Back to being Barnes.” The crestfallen look on both the soldiers faces at that made his dying heart ache.

“Hey no, wait,” he reached out for the ex-sergeant only to pull his hand away. Contact was only going to make what he was about to do a lot harder.

He sighed, turning to face Steve. “It’s Extremis.”

That immediately drew both the soldiers’ attention.

“What about Extremis?” Steve asked warily at the same time that Bucky said, “I thought that wasn’t a problem anymore.”

Tony gave a bitter laugh. “You and me both.”

Steve moved closer toward Tony, coming to stand shoulder to shoulder with Bucky. “Tony, what’s going on?” Concern was most certainly present in the Captain’s tone but there was no mistaking the underlying fear there. His subconscious had likely figured out what Steve wouldn’t want to accept as reality.

“Something’s… Something’s triggered the virus again, or it could be that it never stopped replicating in the first place… but the fact of the matter is, that it’s active and changing my  DNA at an unrelenting pace as we speak.”

Steve’s blue eyes were large and frightened; his breathing becoming uneven. “How do you know this…?”

Tony looked away. “I experienced the first aftershock about four months ago.”

Bucky’s reaction was instantaneous; his expression livid. “And you didn’t think to tell us? _How could you be so selfish Tony?_ ”

Tony flinched at the harsh words, wanting to hole himself up so that he never had to hurt the people he cared so much for. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid.

“At the time I honestly didn’t know what was happening. It could have been a delayed response my body had to the virus’ supposed inactivation or it was simply a once off. The time when I actually thought something serious might be going on was when I collapsed on that mission because I couldn’t breathe.”

Steve’s breath caught at the admission; eyes widening further at the realisation. “The mission with the foreign robots. I can’t believe you! You told me it was from being knocked into the Baxter building.”

Tony raised his hands up to placate the blond. “Honestly, and this is the God’s honest truth because I made a promise to never lie to you, I had genuinely thought it was because of that as well. Yeah, the not being able to breathe thing was a little weird but nothing completely out of left field given that I was a heart patient not so long ago, and despite Extremis making initial fixes, have reduced lung capacity. But after that, the incidences of the same thing happening increased in numbers. Taking a chance on Extremis, I called Helen. She ran some tests and now here we are.”

“Which is where exactly Tony?” Steve’s voice was faltering as he took steps closer toward Tony. Tony moved back. He needed to start distancing himself as soon as now. Steve frowned. Well there was no two ways about this.

“It’s… It’s killing me Steve and it looks like there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

The room was deathly silent once again; the two soldiers stock-still in their positions as if numb from shock. It was Bucky who spoke up first, moments later, his voice breaking. “But… but… Extremis. It was designed to help, to help,” he shook his head in disbelief and frustration, “I mean to make indestructible super-humans… Then surely it would do the same to you? Instead of kil- instead of kil –” the ex-sergeant struggled with his words, before settling on, “harm you…”

Tony shook his head; his chest aching once again to comfort the soldier in some way. “Not Helen’s prototype. Well it was supposed to be a modified, bug-free version of Maya’s and Killian’s design, aimed to increase DNA synthesis and heal major ailments. But her past self never had enough time to analyse the data before she injected me with it.”

Tony reached over to the open hologram of the virus structure in order to expand the finer details of its genetic makeup. “The virus initially fixes any ‘mistakes’ it finds within the human host but then as with me, it reaches a stage where once it gains complete control of cellular DNA, it replicates at a rate at which the host cells can’t keep up, essentially eating away at tissue before the new DNA has any time to repair itself, or rather change into its superior form.

“So there’s a greater possibility that once it’s gained control of most of the host cells, it’s going to end up killing me rather than turning me into some variation of a super-human.”

Tony tried not to think too hard on the fact that he would rather always have it that way than to have the awful possibility of living forever. He had almost had to face that nightmare once before, he did not want to go through that again.

“This is all my fault…” Steve finally spoke up; his voice breaking. He had fallen into the nearby chair; his head bowed and held between his hands. “If it wasn’t for me none of this would be happening. You wouldn’t have had to inject yourself –”

Tony was immediately by his side, pulling his hands away from his face, “No Steve, no.” Steve shook his head, refusing to meet Tony’s eyes. “It’s all because of me…!”

“Cut that out. It’s not your fault okay? Hey come on look at me. Come on Steve, look at me.” The Captain raised anguished eyes up at Tony; unshed tears threatening to spill.

Tony ran a gentle hand through his hair. “It was not your fault. It was never your fault, do you hear me? You were dead Steve. Dead,” and that thought still made Tony sick to his stomach, “There was nothing you could’ve done about the decisions I made.”

“And now you’re going to end up dead. You should have left me as I was.”

Tony sucked in a sharp breath at that, pulling on Steve’s hair to force the soldier to meet his eyes when they had fallen to his hands once again. “I will always save you Steve. Always. Nothing happening in this world will ever change that.”

The sound of metal whirring drew Tony’s attention toward the other soldier. “Isn’t there anything they can do Tony? Dr. Cho is the best in her field, hell, she’s the one who designed this thing the way it is in the first place. Surely she should be able to do something!”

Tony pulled away from Steve to face Bucky. “There’s not a lot of previous research to go through. With Maya dead and Aim scattered, there isn’t anybody we can get that had first-hand knowledge of the previous design. That’s why Marissa – the lady you pretty much just frightened, by the way soldier – is here. She’s a highly skilled geneticist… and even she can’t seem to figure out what to do.”

“My blood,” Steve spoke up; his tone broken yet still holding onto any bit of hope. “You could use it to reverse-engineer the serum. I found out that Howard had tried to do exactly that in the past. If he had that idea then I know there’s a way.”

Tony tried not to give into the impulsion to throw up – a sensation that was almost overwhelming every time his father’s obsession with Steve was brought to the forefront. The fact that he had kept a vial of the man’s blood had been nothing short of disturbing.

Tony shook his head to dispel the nauseating images that train of thought brought up in his mind, as well as a gesture to refuse Steve’s offer.

“That’s not an option. Even if we did manage to reverse-engineer it somehow within this short time-frame,” he added seeing as Steve looked about ready to protest, “there’s absolutely no guarantee that it will work. If anything the serum might enhance the virus’ effect and I could literally die within seconds.”

Tony didn’t fail to notice the flinch that crossed both the soldiers’ frames.

“I’m more than certain,” he continued, “that Helen will be able to figure out something in time but given the rate at which the virus is replicating, even the inhibitors aren’t quick enough to stop it. It is also quite likely that in the time that it was supposedly latent, it may have built resistance to the drugs.”

They were silent once again, each person drawing away into their own thoughts before Bucky shifted; full attention on Tony. “You need to come with us. We’ll figure something out, keep you safe in the meantime.”

And this was it.

It was time for Tony to do the right thing and break their hearts. It really shouldn’t hurt for very long. They had each other. That was more than enough to carry on.

He stepped back. Then back again. And back some more. Only stopping when his feet edged the front of the furthest table.

Tony shook his head. “I… can’t.”

A beat –

– Before –

“– Why not?”

Tony had made a mental list of all the things that he would say to them; all the words he would use to make them understand, convey to them the degree of the struggle it would be for him to stay with them and not go mad with the idea of how inadequate he was becoming in his old age, even if it now looked like he wouldn’t make it to his next birthday.

But in the here and now, standing across from them, seeing them so broken, so weary, because of him, he couldn’t make any of those words come to surface.

The only thing he could offer them was a, “I just can’t. I’m sorry…”

He gave them no chance to stop him with words of their own as he hurriedly made his way out of the lab, unable to even spare them a glance over his shoulder.

 

\------II--

 

Tony could scarcely feel himself breathe.

It was as if he were forcing air through a vessel without an inlet, through lungs that had long been dead.

As he fell to his knees atop his bedroom floor, clawing at his chest with blunt fingernails, he was reminded of a past he had spent in a cave. The same sensation of being unable to breathe, where air had instead been replaced by water as it seared through his lungs, pain racing through his nerve endings, paradoxically like an angry fire; Tony powerless to fight off the hands that had murdered countless others.

This pain was also much like the feeling of the world collapsing around him; being trapped in an endless void in space, tortured by gods and intelligent life forms far superior to his own kind.

As his head, the last of him, hit the surface of the floor, he wondered if it was worse when he realised that this episode would not be enough to kill him.

 

\------II--

 

“James won’t come out of his room Tony and Steve’s nowhere to be seen.”

“And that’s supposed to be more of a concern to me over the fact that I know you haven’t been home in almost two weeks Nat. Have you even slept in that time?”

“You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Really Natasha?”

“I’m not the one dying Tony!”

Tony took in a deep breath as his eyes, fatigued from having stayed up for so long, regarded the petite Russian who looked harrowed, worn and pale, which was nothing like her. He hadn’t seen this look on her since the end of the infinity war.

Tony figured that when a person spent two weeks trying to find ways to delay the inevitable, the madness of the situation could in fact do that to someone.

(If there was an afterlife, he really was going to miss her).

He moved away from his position behind the counter, coming over to hold the woman in a comforting embrace, not bringing attention to the way her voice broke upon the contact.

“I can’t…. I’m sorry I can’t,” she hiccuped into his chest, “I thought I had a lead on one of the – on one of the,” she had to pause to take in a rasping breath, “leading AIM scientists but turns out his entire story was fabricated. Killian had him completely made up to throw suspicion off of what they were really doing. I’m so… so sorry зайка.”

Tony pulled her head up to brush back the hair that had fallen into her red-rimmed eyes. “There’s nothing to be sorry about Nat. None of this is your fault.”

Natasha looked away. “I’m not giving up though. There’s still time, there’s always time. But you need to do something for me as well Tony…”

Tony tilted his head to the side in acknowledgment.

“Please… just talk to Steve when he comes back. God knows what he’s up to with Thor… and James won’t listen to reason. I’m seriously beginning to worry considering I can’t even hear any movement from inside his room. Please Tony, just please.”

This time, it was Tony who looked away.

 

\------II--

 

Spots danced in front of his vision as his breaths came short; the stabbing pains in his chest only worsening with time. He hadn’t felt this weak since the incident where Shmidt had shot him.

Tony had to let go of the folder in his hand lest it eventually end up on the floor in a disarray of flying paper.

He turned to address the newcomer. “Heard you went to Asgard with Rhodey and Thor. How’d that work out? Didn’t think you liked it much up there.”

“Still don’t,” was the blunt reply. “But seeing as there are no options on hand, I wanted to see if the All Father could help.”

“And what did you find?”

Shamed, pained silence was Tony’s only answer.

Tony forced in a few lungful’s of air, attempting to stop his shaking hands. Steve was by his side almost immediately when he likely noticed the trembling; steadying hand on Tony’s back. He reached over to grab the nearest stool before helping Tony take a seat.

“Are you okay?” The soldier crouched in front of Tony so that he was at eye level with the engineer; the same concern that was always around him nowadays, present within the depths of the cerulean-blue eyes.

His hand was on Tony’s cheek; thumb brushing along the surface of the cold skin in a kind of tenderness that only Steve Rogers could ever express.

Tony felt the insane urge to cry, reaching up to place his hand over Steve’s. No. He would not break down. Not here, not now. He had to accept what was. “I’ll be alright honey,” he voiced out instead, offering a smile.

Steve’s breath hitched, as it always did at the endearment, though the warmth that usually spread through him at that was absent, and Tony missed it dearly. “I’ll always be alright…”

“But you’re _not_ Tony.” The soldier sank down onto his knees then, coming to bury his face in Tony’s stomach in the sweetest gesture; arms wrapping around Tony’s waist. “Odin…he said that he didn’t know any way to help, that he, that he wasn’t an expert on magic like Loki is or his wife was. He mentioned something about apples, but apparently that power was for the gods or something… whatever that meant.”

Tony’s smile softened at that; the engineer running his now somewhat steady fingers through Steve’s blond locks. He had heard about Odin’s golden apples. Thor had mentioned it at some point, inebriated beyond coherent thinking, spewing words that revealed that, ‘if a human should be blessed or cursed, whichever way you looked at it, enough to eat the from the fruit of Odin, he would forsake his mortal life and live among the gods.’

He had also said that leaving behind one’s humanity however should not be enough to tempt a man.

That was definitely a sentiment Tony could agree with. Existing forever and as a potential god at that? It was no wonder Odin wanted to keep someone like Tony Stark away from that possibility. Living until the end of time was a curse of its own – imagine having destructive power at that?

“But if those apples can help somehow Tony, you can be damned sure I’ll have a way to find them,” Steve mumbled into Tony’s shirt.

Tony chuckled at that, amusement obvious in his tone. “And what are you going to do honey? March on over to Asgard and demand them from the king of gods himself?”

“If it comes to it,” the soldier replied stubbornly.

Tony stopped running his fingers through Steve’s hair in order to place a kiss on top of his head. “We can’t fight gods Steve.”

Steve pulled away to peer up at Tony; baby-blue eyes adorable in their determination. “We did once,” he nuzzled Tony’s chest this time; rubbing his cheek along the surface of his shirt. “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

Tony smiled affectionately down at him; hands coming around to cradle Steve’s head.

There was so much Tony felt for this man that he simply couldn’t put all of that into words. Even as his heart was dying, his limbs becoming weak, his own body giving up on him, there wouldn’t come a time where he wouldn’t care about Steve. Give up the world for him.

“All of this for little old me?” Steve lifted his head once again and the raw need and heartache he saw in the expression left Tony breathless, a sensation not related to Extremis. “I’d do anything for you Tony.” The grip around Tony’s waist tightened. “Anything.”

Steve removed one of his hands from around Tony’s waist only to bring Tony’s head down – Tony going willingly, ignoring the protesting of his brain this one time – to place a small, desperate kiss to the corner of Tony’s mouth. “I know you don’t want to hear it, I know you don’t want us around,” he breathed against Tony’s lips, voice breaking a little at that admission, “but nothing’s going to change the fact that I love you Tony. Heart, body and soul. It is yours. And I’d do anything in this world to keep you safe. Even if it meant forsaking everything that I have, everything that I am. I would do it, just for you.”

Tony couldn’t stop the hitch in his throat, feeling like he was standing directly under the full intensity of the sun, its purity much too virtuous for him; his soul, tainted by the horrors of his past wrongdoings, didn’t deserve to be in its presence. He would only soil the good.

He still couldn’t grasp why Steve would see him in this way, would ever want him? What was he, if not the broken shell of a once proud man, unworthy of the light? And after everything Tony had done to Steve in the past, with the history of an all-consuming war between them, how could he make Steve understand that Tony was undeserving of him?

The soldier’s endless capacity for benevolence, kindness and love trumped whatever Tony could offer him. It would never be enough and he would only bring Steve down with him.

Even in his time of dying, Tony couldn’t be that selfish.

Though before he could bring these words to the surface, Friday’s voice suddenly filtered through the speakers, drawing his attention immediately.

_“I’m sorry to interrupt sir but I believe this is urgent.”_

Steve and Tony shared a look.

_“It’s about Master Barnes.”_

 

\------II—

“Loki please. Loki _please_. If you can hear me, then please, _please,_ help us find him.”

Tony couldn’t even begin to explain the desperation that was coursing through his veins at this very moment, drowning out the increasing levels of pain he was experiencing day by day.

Five months following the first aftershock and he felt like his body would give any moment now.

He could barely lift himself from the bed in the mornings, feeling as if life had dissipated from his body, leaving behind an imprint of his soul to suffer through till the end of time. Had it really always been this difficult to move?

Pepper, Rhodey and Happy had started taking turns watching over him most nights now, refusing to leave him alone. A part of Tony had wanted to scream at them to let him suffer in privacy but an even bigger part that was always grateful for their presence, that loved them beyond measure, was sincerely thankful.

Pepper would crawl into bed with him sometimes when the shivering began, holding him close and running a delicate hand along his back to calm him, promising him that she would find a way to make it better through wet kisses along his forehead, while Happy stood guard outside his door.

Rhodey would fall into the chair that was across from Tony’s bed; gaze never once leaving Tony’s presence until he was absolutely certain Tony had fallen asleep, and when Tony would wake in the mornings, his friend would be there ready and waiting to help him in any way he could. (Tony still didn’t know what he had done to deserve them).

But none of the aforementioned suffering caused by the rapid rate of decline in his health, none of it at all, could beat the suffocating feeling of dread that had consumed him the moment he had found out that Bucky was missing.

Apparently the soldier hadn’t been on the premises for over a week – this fact having only been discovered when Clint and Natasha had forced their way into his room.

Bucky had somehow managed to even confuse Friday’s systems; the AI unable to detect that his heat signature had been absent this entire time.

God, Tony had been so stupid, so selfish, thinking he was only giving the others space. How could he have not realised?

Though he never would have thought that Bucky would do anything reckless as a result of him. He wasn’t arrogant enough to assume that the soldier would put himself in harm’s way because of what was happening to Tony.

This fact however did not seem to ease the panic that was welling up to tumultuous levels inside of him.

After Clint and Natasha’s discovery and Friday’s announcement, he and Bruce along with Coulson’s guys at Shield, had spent the last two hours trying to track all the possible locations Bucky could have disappeared to. Despite being unable to pinpoint a location, they knew one thing for certain. Bucky was no longer in the country.

Steve had tried to call the man numerous times, with each call going straight to voicemail. The Captain had even left messages that may have triggered a response from Bucky, but to no avail.

Steve had now taken to pacing the length of the main lab, panic etched into every muscle in his body. Tony could only begin to imagine what the other was going through.

To be told that Tony could pretty much die at any time and then to find out that the most important person in his life had disappeared without a trace. Tony echoed the sentiment.

If something happened to Bucky –

No.

He couldn’t think like that.

He _wouldn’t_.

As long as he was still breathing, nothing would happen to his soldier.

If Loki would just answer him then maybe he could breathe a little easier. He seemed to be Tony’s last resort in finding Bucky faster than any other means, seeing as even Steven Strange seemed to have disappeared off the map as he was known to do.

The longer the delay was in finding Bucky, the harder it may become to ultimately track him down. And who knew what could happen to him within that time.

“Loki _please_.”

Even if Tony knew Thor, as well as Carol, could scour the air to try and locate the soldier, Loki’s magic could do things none of them were capable of. Given the animosity that existed between the Asgardian and the ex-sergeant however, Tony realised that Loki might indeed be less inclined to help them find him.

When it looked like Clint and Sam were just about to say screw it and ready up the quinjet to make a search of their own, a sudden flash of green had everybody in the room immediately stilling in their movements.

Tony momentarily stopped breathing as he turned hopeful eyes toward the newcomer.

“I’ve located him,” the pale lips addressed the room at large even as green eyes locked onto Tony’s brown.

“He’s in Omega Point, Genoa.”

“Omega Point?” said Bruce out loud; underlying alarm present in the tone; his eyes shifting to meet Natasha’s across the room.

“Isn’t that the –”

“Abandoned Hydra base,” Tony finished; fear sealing him in its grasp.

 

\------II—

 

“Come on soldier, wake up. Come on Bucky, _please_. Please open your eyes, _please baby please_.” Tony shook the body that was cold to the touch desperately, picking up the upper half to cradle Bucky’s head in his arms. “ _James_.”

He ran his trembling hands along the dirtied cheeks, attempting to wipe away the soot and clayed earth that had attached itself to his soldier’s skin. “You can’t leave before me soldier because that’s just not bloody fair.”

Steve and the other Avengers were currently in pursuit of the last of the remaining Hydra operatives on the base while Maria Hill’s team were busy evacuating the imprisoned civilians that were still alive.

When they had landed however, Loki had directly brought Tony to the detonation sight where they found the ex-sergeant’s body, unmoving on the ground.

Tony tried to steady the hysteria in his voice. “Why would you do this Моя звезда?”

Tony leaned down to press his forehead to Bucky’s. “Don’t go breaking an old man’s heart before his time is up.”

“Stark… Maybe you should –”

“I’m not leaving him!”

Loki shifted beside Tony, crouching down to visually inspect Bucky’s body before looking over at the engineer. “This building has already suffered immense structural damage as a result of the explosion. What is remaining of it could give way at any moment. You are putting yourself in harm’s way by staying here.”

Tony ignored any and all warning the god was trying to offer him. He knew Loki wasn’t powerful enough to teleport them all out of the premises but the world would end before he would leave Bucky behind.

“Come on James…” he whispered against sallow skin. “Unless you want us both buried under here.”

“I never thought I’d hear you call me that again.” Tony’s breath caught in his throat; eyes that had closed in anguish opening immediately, searching his soldier’s barely open ones; the usual sea of steel-blue mostly hidden behind dark lashes.

Tony couldn’t help it as he gave into the impulsion to press a fleeting kiss to chapped lips – ignoring also, the gasp that came from the god next to them (he would explain it as a temporary loss of sanity to Loki later) – before pulling back.

“Why…?” was the only thing that he managed to vocalise in the shared space of breath between them; their mouths inches apart.

Bucky reached his flesh-and-blood hand around with some difficulty to place it on Tony’s cheek. “I had to find a way Tony…. I couldn’t just… not do anything.”

Tony was incredulous. “And _this_ was the best thing you could think of doing to help me? Recklessly endangering your life by chasing people that have attempted to kill you countless of times in the past? Who almost _did_ by blowing up this building. What were you hoping to achieve?”

Bucky attempted to sit up, Tony assisting him; coughing up puffs of black debris and smoke as a result of the movement. “Zola once told me about a scientist called Barker who worked for their base in Italy. Was supposedly the greatest mind of his time and the one to help bring Red Skull back.”

“So you figured you might as well go find him?” Tony deadpanned. “At a Hydra base?”

“Like I said… had to do something. What good am I if I can’t even give you a fighting chance?”

“If the smartest minds among the Avengers can’t find a solution soldier, you can be damned certain no Hydra goon would be able to achieve something we couldn’t, no matter how mad a scientist he may be.”

Bucky gave a weak, defeated smile at that; blood trickling from the corner of his lip. “Yeah fat load of good it did me in trying to find him, considering the bastard’s been dead for years.”

“Hey,” Tony leaned in closer toward the man, who suddenly looked so small, it made something inside Tony break a little. “Your life means more to me than any possibility of finding a cure, more than anything in fact. How’d you think I’d feel if I’d gotten here only to find out that you really were dead?”

God only knew what he had been going through only moments ago when he had thought that that may have been a possibility. “That it was my fault? That I couldn’t do anything to stop it?”

Bucky gave a dejected laugh, leaning his head against the nearest bit of crumbling wall. “Then you’d understand exactly what I feel.” Tony’s eyes widened at the open admission.

“But then again… I don’t think you’d ever feel even remotely close to what I feel for you Tony Stark.”

Tony took in a shuddering breath at that, wondering how he could convey to Bucky Barnes just _how much_ he felt for him. Maybe it was better this way? If Bucky thought he didn’t care. It would make forgetting Tony easier. But really… the soldiers need only take one close look at Tony to know _exactly_ what he felt for them.

Loki cleared his throat. “As touching as this reunion is and really I should be rewarded with not having immediately thrown up in my mouth” – Tony found that he was at least relaxed a little enough to roll his eyes at that – “but we really need to evacuate. As in immediately.”

The ground underneath them shook in ominous warning. “ _Now_.”

Tony nodded before helping Bucky to his feet, hand in his. “This way.”

 

\------II--

 

His lungs screamed from the pain of inadequate oxygen supply; his heart feeling as if it were being torn from his chest.

This was it.

_“Tony where are you?! Tony!”_

He knew what was happening.

 _“Can you hear me? Tony please,_ please _, say something!”_

_“Sir, your vitals are dropping! –"_

And yet there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He couldn’t remember exactly when his body had started to descend. Maybe it was when the overwhelming ringing had started in his ears or maybe it was when the Doombot had thrown him into the nearest building. His brain couldn’t exactly hone in on details at this precise point.

He knew that from this moment forward, it never would.

The voice in his comlink started to fade into the background as if it were an echo of a distant memory, becoming second place to the still prominent ringing.

It was a shame though. He had always liked that voice.

Tony had never confessed it to anyone, but it was his favourite sound.

Even when it had been clearly breaking in panic, desperation and outright fear.

There was nothing to worry about though.

He knew what was happening.

_“Tony…!”_

He recognised the signs. He’d been there enough times before, more than enough times than any mortal man should have been allowed to come back from.

He was dying.

Finally.

And this time, it was almost certain…

There would be no coming back.

He was falling through the air, trapped within the confines of his suit and yet all he could think of was that Pepper was going to kill him if he damaged any more city property. Huh. What a strange thought.

(He really didn’t like it when Pepper was mad).

He could remember seeing eyes, terrified and made of steel-blue, as he had begun falling. He’d also never told anyone that that was his favourite colour.

(He had another fleeting thought that maybe somebody else would be the one to tell Bucky that someday. Perhaps it would be Steve. Tony hoped so).

He could hear distant screams of his name or he thought he could, considering everything had blurred around him as his already cold body made contact with the ground; the sensation of the armour colliding with concrete hard enough to knock him around.

(Had it always been this cold? He couldn’t recall. But there were parts of his body he could no longer feel. Maybe they had gone numb from shock, maybe it was due to his dying pulse).

He heard another distance sound; a command of, _“Move, move! Move out of the way Captain or there will be no time to help him at all!”_

A shock of green –

– Before everything went black for the final time in Tony Stark’s existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: there's another chapter coming up for a reason. I didn't write 19 pages of smut for nothing.
> 
> Please remember that I wrote this with a lot of apprehension and there's a reason as to why I wrote it this way. The story is not over.
> 
> If anyone is any bit curious about details, my story Mirror Mirror, can be seen as somewhat of a prologue to this series; it may clarify some things.
> 
> Also:  
> Зайка = bunny  
> Моя звезда = my star
> 
> [Steve is Tony’s sun and Bucky is his star]


	2. Tick Tock Tin Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony, Tony, Tony.
> 
> Oh how I live for you.
> 
> [Warning: This chapter is an over 20k MONSTER].
> 
> Also some references to the past may not make sense if you haven't read, Mirror, Mirror. But it is in no way mandatory. See you on the flip-side hopefully!

 

“So how long have you been awake?”

The shadow that had materialised to his left in a smoke of green advanced forward in the light, coming to stand at the edge of his bed.  
  
He made no physical gesture to acknowledge the being, only replying with a, "Long enough.”  
  
“And you didn’t attempt to contact anyone?” The question was asked with more of a curious lilt to the tone than with the expected air of scoffing or incredulity.  
  
His eyes shifted to acknowledge the electronic bell that had been left at his bedside in this makeshift medical room, if he assumed correctly, in Avengers tower.  
  
The first thing Tony had realised when his eyes had finally fluttered open was that he could no longer feel any bit of pain.  
  
Not the aching of his muscles nor the crushing weight in his sternum that came with the effort from breathing.  
   
The second thing he had noticed had been the blinding light in the room; the white of it assaulting his senses and burning into his retinas; he couldn’t recall anything ever being so bright in his existence.  
  
But considering he had just woken up, getting used to his senses once again- which were now obviously advanced beyond anticipation - would take some adjusting. He tried not to let the idea further sour his already foul mood.  
  
His eyes finally shifted to register the figure; tall and towering in his green and black leather Asgardian clothing.  
  
When their eyes met, Tony could hear the slight shift in the breath Loki took, the hitch on the inhale, and the barely there widening of pale eyes as the pupils dilated in surprise. The god was no longer safe in masking his reactions - which he took comfort in being able to do - if Tony could read every little change in his expression.  
  
Tony wasn't as satisfied by the realisation as he once would have been.  
  
"So I'm still alive."  
  
Tony could see Loki's throat working as he swallowed; dark eyelashes attempting to provide cover for green eyes that were trying to disguise emotions playing within them.  
  
When he seemed to regain complete control over his expressions once again, did Loki nod slowly.  
  
"My magic helped stabilise the virus. Slow its progression long enough to allow it to rewrite your DNA without killing you in the process."  
  
Tony's eyes never left Loki's presence, more in an effort to make the god feel uncomfortable than any interest in Loki himself. The engineer felt irrational anger bubbling hot in his stomach, threatening to climb its way to the surface and spill out in a furious tirade of cutting words, in order to inflict hurt.  
  
He was supposed to be dead. Have it all end finally.  
  
Yet here he was once again.  
  
Facing down the possible reality of immortality.  
  
His hands clenched at his sides where they were buried underneath the covers of the bed.  
  
"I figured _your magic_ wouldn’t have been enough to help me," he voiced out instead, unable to keep the bite out of his words despite himself, "Might’ve made everything worse."  
  
Loki began to pace in the space at the end of Tony's bed, in a means to collect his thoughts. "What I had initially planned might not have been." The Asgardian paused momentarily at that, deliberately keeping his gaze away from Tony's; a secret to be veiled behind the curtain of his hair.    
  
Tony's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"  
  
Loki remained stationary for a few moments, appearing as though a war was raging on in his complex mind. Finally he seemed to just give up entirely; broad shoulders slumping slightly before green magic swirled around long, pale fingers and the god materialised what looked to be a palm-sized mirror.  
  
Loki took in a long breath as if bracing himself, before placing the object on top of Tony's knees. "It might be easier if you looked for yourself."  
  
Tony eyed Loki suspiciously for some seconds, before carefully and very slowly, his fingers feeling steadier than they had in years, Tony lifted the mirror to his front.  
  
He was surprised when he realised that the gasp he heard came from his own mouth; his thoughts coming to an immediate standstill as he looked back at his expression.    
  
His eyes...  
  
Were the first things he noticed. No longer were they the liquid honey-brown he was used to. No.. the darker colour was overshadowed by very vivid flecks of green within the depths, turning the remaining shades of warm brown into a vibrant hazel instead. It clearly wasn't the blue he had seen the first time he had been injected with Extremis.  
  
The second thing he noticed was the fact that he looked younger.  
  
Even younger than when the virus had started making initial changes, before he had been put on inhibitors. The always present puffiness around his eyes had disappeared; lines around his mouth and across his forehead, crows feet, all gone.  
  
Greys in his hair had become non-existent.  
  
If he didn’t know any better, Tony would have thought he was looking at an almost ethereal version of his thirty-something-year old self.    
  
The thought made him sick to his stomach.  
  
“What did you do…?” he eventually asked on a trembling, barely civil breath; placing the mirror back on the bed face-down, unable to stand looking at himself any longer.  
  
Loki didn't answer him.  
  
The bubbling anger surged. “What did you DO?”  
  
A spark of green energy left Tony's person in the form of his ire manifested, resulting in the vase at his bedside table to shatter into sharp, jagged pieces of brass; the water and flowers in it completely evaporated from existence.  
  
Tony could only stare at the broken pieces of the once standing vase in horror; fear settling into his bones in the form of unwanted company. His body shook a little where he was sat on the bed, mind unable to process what he had just been witness to. He... He had done that.  
  
Himself.  
  
Last he had checked, Extremis didn't allow that kind of manipulation of kinetic energy. He turned disbelieving eyes upon Loki.  
  
The god appeared just as unsettled as Tony felt. He swallowed thickly. "That should… stop happening… " He scratched at the area under his eye in distraction, face scrunching up in the process. "After the depletion of the reserves of excess magic in your body."  
  
“The excess _what?_ ” Loki didn't seem to fail to notice the hoarseness of Tony's voice; the incredulity behind the words.  
  
He took another deep breath; looking up at the ceiling as if contemplating how to answer Tony’s question. “There would’ve been no other way to save you Stark. It had to be this or nothing else.  
  
“I had to physically transfer some of my magic into you in order to do it.”  
  
Tony mimicked the Asgardian's action; taking in a breath as well, to the full capacity of his lungs, something he hadn't been able to do in years. “What does that mean?”  
  
“Well the layman's version of the story is, that you have the power of a god inside you. At least a little.”  
  
Tony couldn't help it as he started to hyperventilate; Extremis it seemed unable to keep panic at bay.  
  
This was not what he wanted.  
  
Never this.  
  
He was surprised when he felt a surge of calmness suddenly attempting to placate him, like a stroking sensation that was easing the tight knots in his muscle and intestines. He would have felt sick again, if he could overpower this sensation, when he realised that it was Loki doing that to him somehow.  
  
Loki seemed to notice his discomfort so he sought to explain, "I can channel my magic through a temporary bond we share. It can help you adjust."  
  
Tony's expression darkened, his lips turning downward. "You can _control me?_ "  
  
Loki shook his head in adamant refusal. "I can at most guide that magic while the temporary bond is still active, but only if you allow it," he added when Tony's expression didn't change.  
  
Tony's mind catapulted to another thought, which was worrying in itself, considering there was a lot more explaining Loki needed to do regarding this makeshift bond. “Wait… you lent me your power or gave it to me? Does this mean you’re weaker?”  
  
Loki merely shrugged, though seeming genuinely unsure. “I gave you my power and no I'm not physically weaker but my magic may be.”  
  
  
  
Wow, okay that had not been something Tony had expected. Loki had _given_ him his own power, at a cost to himself?  
  
Tony didn't know what to do with that information. For now he ignored the why of the situation and focused on, "Will _I_ be able to control the magic?"  
  
The Jotun shook his head again, coming to take a seat at the edge of Tony's bed almost subconsciously. “No. You won’t be able to manipulate it. It is simply there to keep the virus stable. Or initially to stop it from killing you. It’s taken you three weeks to rise from your coma in which time I believe it has completely rewritten your DNA.  
  
"Even if my magic was to be possibly removed, I do not think the virus will harm you now, though that is still a risk to take."  
  
Tony eyed Loki carefully. “Even if your magic _could_ be removed? Does that mean you can’t take it back?”  
  
A sound of exasperation left the god's pale lips. “While your friends were out on their fruitless endeavours, I explored ways that may be able to help you and this was the only option I could find in such a short period of time.  
  
"It is not something easily done and its effects are almost impossible to reverse. Only my mother would have been able to succeed in an attempt to do so."  
  
But then Frigga was no longer around.  
  
"It is likely that in time the magic will begin to dissipate," Loki continued, "At least some of it will as your body is still mortal and will not be able to hold all of it, even if it the levels are small to begin with.  
  
"Whatever remains, combined with the virus, may in fact increase the longevity of your life."  
  
Hearing it out loud only the made the situation more loathsome to Tony. “So instead of dying," he scoffed, "I'm some sort of a half-god now?”  
  
Loki levelled him with a look. “The correct term is demi-god and no. Not even close."  
  
He shifted to play idly with an undone thread from one of Tony's bedsheets. “You are more in the realms of whatever the virus allows you to be. And that information is strictly available to that lady friend of yours, Dr. Cho.”  
  
Tony was silent for a long while after, just absorbing all the information he had heard.  
  
When falling from that sky - three weeks ago apparently - Tony, in all honesty, hadn't thought he would have been back here.  
  
Remaining alive hadn't even seemed a possibility then, let alone have that mortal life take such a drastic turn.  
  
Despite his stance on the situation, his abhorrence of the idea at potentially living forever, he still owed Loki his life, even if he had had no chance to refuse his help. The god had, for all intents and purposes, saved Tony, with no apparent gain for himself.  
  
But, “Why…? Why would you do it? Why would you save me regardless? You _know_ I never wanted this."  
  
That was true. In the years that they had known each other, whenever the topic of immorality came up, Tony would immediately dismiss the idea, saying there was a reason why the term was _immortality._ It was never meant for mortals.  
  
Loki genuinely seemed to consider Tony's words; tongue peeking out to wet his lips, before an audible breath was taken from his nose. He turned to look at Tony once again, gaze serious.  
  
“Believe it or not Tony Stark, there are a lot of people that care for your wellbeing. I could go so far as to suggest, that they may even rely on it.  
  
"You mean a great deal to many, even if you, yourself cannot see it. And despite what you may think, the world is a lot better with you alive and in it, than not."  
  
  


\------II--  
  


  
"It’s so good to finally see you awake."  
  
Despite being caught up in his head, Tony had heard the woman make her way toward the room; descending a flight of stairs and taking a further fifty steps before having reached him.  
  
He couldn't still help but feel a little bitter that he was now able to notice and hear things like that. Even the finest of details that a _normal_ human - he had to scoff at the the term because really, given the circumstances and the people he has come to know over the years, _normal_ couldn't be further from his vocabulary now - would never be able to pick up on.  
  
Like the little scratches on the wall paper from across the room, the smallest of cracks running along the edges of the ceiling; being able to hear the water sloshing through the nearby pipes of the tower.  
  
"I can’t believe I’m back here again…" He replied in the form of an honest remark.  
  
His eyes flickered to look up at where Helen Cho had paused in her reading of his medical chart to peer down at him; brows drawn together. "When you came and told me all those months ago that you’d found drugs that could stop Extremis, I don’t think I’d been that relieved or happy in a really long time.  
  
"That’d I’d never…" Tony ran a lazy hand through his shower-damp hair, "Only to end up back here."  
  
Helen placed the medical chart down, drawing out two vials and a needle from the nearest cabinet. “This isn’t a bad thing Tony."  
  
Tony gave a sour laugh. “So can you tell me for certain Helen, that I won’t live forever?”  
  
“You know that possibility isn’t guaranteed, not even for superhumans,” the woman replied, rolling up the sleeve of the shirt Tony had hastily put on, after his much-needed shower in over three weeks.  
  
The engineer clicked his tongue. “You’re deliberately missing the point here because you don’t want to acknowledge what I mean. The possibility is likely. Tell me that it isn’t,” he asked as a challenge, one which Helen did not rise to answer.  
  
“Yeah… that’s what I thought," he said out loud in chagrin.  
  
Helen tied a medical belt around Tony's bicep in order to force more blood through a protruding vein; the pair in the room already knowing that that wasn't going to do much in the face of Extremis.  
  
"You know I don’t know for sure Tony," Helen replied, before inserting the end of the needle into his vein, managing to get only the barest quantity of blood drawn into the attached vial before Extremis was forcefully pushing the needle out; his skin already healing around the point of injury, his muscles shifting to remove the needle.  
  
“I really don’t," Helen continued, attempting to draw more blood out in the same manner, satisfied only when she had the volume she needed. Any other person would not have been able to endure that many attempts at having their blood drawn, but no amount of pain registered with Tony's person.  
  
Helen labelled the vial, before placing it on the tray, atop the workbench that was available in the room.  
  
She turned to face Tony again, pulling up files that held different designs of the viral RNA. "My version of Extremis wasn’t modelled after the original. Yeah, the basic structure is the same but its purpose was simply to help aid cellular repair and heal injuries that could be fatal."  
  
Tony's eyes followed her as she expanded a particular model. "It was never designed to be a long term enhancement of any kind. But I likely couldn’t modify it down to simply doing that before my past-self had to use it." Her dark eyes shifted to give Tony a meaningful look. "You were the one who told me that."  
  
When Tony didn't respond, the geneticist sighed. “I’m going to have to run some tests obviously, to get a clear picture of where everything stands… but it wouldn’t be an inaccurate assumption to make that Extremis will continually allow and increase cellular turnover, given that it’s been stabilised in its human host."  
  
She moved to begin running diagnostics on a sample of blood she had previously gathered just before Tony's accident, likely to use it as a base for comparison.  
  
"And there’s also the fact that it is no longer just stable but has managed to rewrite your DNA into a theoretically superior form. Only time will be able to show whether that manifests or not…"  
  
Her voice now sounded resigned. "But if we are still only hypothesising, then slowing the process of ageing and the possibility of long life as a result, is likely as well."  
  
Helen's attention was on Tony once again when the engineer still didn't speak up. "But if it helps you sleep easier at night Tony then no, I am not _one-hundred_ percent certain."  
  
Tony's frown was still firmly in place when his gaze left Helen's; his head dropping to his chest where he was sat at the edge of the bed in the recovery room. What was he supposed to say or do? Get up on his legs and let out a whooping cheer of 'thank-you very much, now I'm sorted forever!'?  
  
He could barely manage to hold back the sneer that threatened to twist his lips into an ugly display of contempt. He took in a deep breath in order to calm himself. He didn't want a repeat of what happened to that vase from only a few days ago.  
  
Helen seemed to notice his worsening mood, coming to crouch in front of him, placing a delicate hand over his. "Bruce has been beside himself this entire time, blaming himself for not having found a cure, barely getting any sleep…" And that revelation had not been what Tony had expected, though his head followed to watch Helen rise as she guided his attention back up.    
  
"But then again," she gave a small smile, "the same could be said about the rest of your team and friends as well."  
  
The geneticist came to sit on the bed beside Tony. "These people really care for you Tony. Given all I’ve seen just in these past few weeks, of their states, knowing you were in this condition, I don’t think you realise just how much."  
  
Helen appeared to be drawn into her thoughts as she continued to speak. "They are all a bit broken, sad and lonely, even if they try to hide it for the sake of others."  
  
She turned to smile at him again; the gesture more forlorn than anything else. "In this sense they are no different to you, but where most of them are either gods or some variation of superhuman, you are seen as fragile and a lot more vulnerable than the rest of them. A lot more easily broken. Very human."  
  
She made meaningless patterns with her fingers on opposite hands as Tony continued to listen to her; expression now softening with each new word the woman spoke. "To be quite honest with you Tony, given the type of work that you all do, they will be relieved that some of that physical vulnerability may no longer exist.  
  
"Hell, they’ll probably take you anyway they could, broken human, superhuman, alien, god, whatever. It’s simply because they love you. Coming from a background where love wasn’t exactly commonplace while growing up, I was always appreciative when I saw any form of it expressed between people. Existing for the people you love or care for is to me, worth anything.  
  
"Everyone needs help Tony… in your line of work, be grateful for any that you might get. Even if it’s possible you might not die of old age, but that in no way makes certain that you are immortal. Given how close some of your superhuman friends have come to death’s door, you know that that’s true."  
  
Blue eyes void of life of an unmoving body pelted by rain as it lay upon courthouse steps flashed across Tony's mind and Tony suddenly felt like his heart was being squeezed inside his chest.  
  
After moments of silence, Helen finally got back onto her feet. "No one’s truly immortal Mr. Stark… Not even gods."  
  


  
\------II--

  
  
“The eyes will take some getting used to. They are very…mesmerising."  
  
“Oh Bruce, you never told me you had a kink for eye colour.” Tony winked at the other man, waggling his eyebrows for effect in the process.  
  
Bruce gave a long drawn out sigh, though Tony didn’t miss the little left quirk of thin lips as his science buddy tried to hide the smile. “Still as insufferable as ever.”  
  
Tony poked a lab coat covered bicep. “I believe the correct term there is incorrigible.”  
“Uh-huh. You would know.”  
  
Bruce pulled back, drawing away the light of the pen that he had been shining into Tony’s very receptive eyes; the engineer having done everything in his power not to flinch at the intensity of the brightness. His senses at the moment were almost overbearingly enhanced. “Helen was right. Everything is better than normal.”  
  
Tony tried to ignore the taste of bitterness he could feel at the back of his tongue. The sooner he moved past this, accepted his situation for what it was, the better it would ideally be in the long run.  
  
It has been almost fifty-six hours since Tony had gained consciousness. He had since then, spent that time getting adjusted to his new body while Helen had run tests and Loki had… hovered, before disappearing to wherever the hell it was he went to.  
  
Bruce had made his way down immediately when Helen had informed him of Tony’s waking - the scientist having been with the other Avengers in London while they dealt with, as of yet unidentified, hostile alien soldiers from a close-by galaxy.  
  
The encounter with the hostiles had just been cleared up apparently, according to news channels from around the world, blaring from holographic monitors in Bruce’s lab.  
  
Bruce had only gone with the other Avengers to help pinpoint the location of the portal that had allowed entry of these hostiles and to find means to be able to close it.  
  
Since Bruce’s retiring from duty as an active Avenger, the scientist only ever physically intervened when it was absolutely mandatory to go ‘code green’ i.e. when no other solution had manifested in a favourable end result.  
  
Bruce’s main work had once again returned to his research. His argument, which was genuinely valid, was that there was no real reason for him to pursue Avengers activity when there were quote, ‘perfectly capable, young Avengers up to meet requirements.’  
  
Tony eventually picked himself up from the edge of the bed he had been resting on while Bruce had done his thing, coming to peer up at the holographic display of his blood composition; remnants of magic visible among cells with a markedly different DNA core to that of a normal human genome.  
  
“Amazing…” Bruce whispered from next to him, as if almost to himself. “Simply amazing.”  
  
He blew up the screen so that the quadruple-helix structure of Tony’s new DNA was visible. “You realise you now have fifty-two chromosomes Tony? And this quadruple-helix backbone being much more complex than your standard double-helix.  
  
"I have replication rates estimated at almost 2000 nucleotides per second per replication fork - that’s about eight daughter cells per mitosis cycle. Almost two-and-a-half times faster than what Helen’s initial Extremis model was capable of. Loki’s magic… it seemed to have perfected the virus’ capabilities to realms we would have never imagined.”  
  
Tony swallowed past the lump in his throat. “This seems eerily close to what Logan’s body is capable of doing.”  
  
Bruce shook his head as if breaking himself free of a trance. Tony knew he shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable with becoming a new scientific enigma but he still couldn’t completely suppress the feeling every time it reared its ugly head.  
  
“I wouldn’t know," Bruce replied. "I’ve never had the chance to test his blood myself or find out the mystery behind the infamous ‘healing factor’, but given reports I’ve read on the Weapon X programme handed down to me by Hank, the rates of DNA replication are very, very similar.”  
  
The shorter man turned to face Tony, “Then again, you lack a very prominent adamantium skeleton that our resident mutant possesses. So I’m not sure how far the comparisons can go.” Bruce suddenly shuddered as if recalling an unsettling memory. “But if you can once again store your armour within your bones Tony, I don’t know if it really matters whether or not you have a reinforced metal core.”  
  
Tony couldn’t help a frown from marring his features this time. “Lets not…” The engineer shook his head, “Let’s not go there just yet Bruce.” God only knew how Tony had managed to wrap his head around that revelation the first time.  
  
Bruce nodded slowly, eyes flickering away for a moment before returning to Tony’s; the slight fascination in them as he looked back at the engineer unable to be completely suppressed. “Do you feel any different Tony?”  
  
Tony wanted to scream from the frustration of just how different he felt.  
  
Begrudgingly however, he had to admit that his mind was a lot clearer now - easily able to focus, rather than let thoughts that used to become overwhelming cloud his sense of direction.  
  
He could finally concentrate, dedicate one-hundred percent of his attention to one task alone without feeling the incessant itch to do more, to not stop until he had all his ideas figuratively on paper. That explanation felt inadequate even to himself, then how was he to articulate it to Bruce?  
  
These new changes didn’t stop his brain from thinking however, from always being one step ahead, in the future where everything was somehow always better - but Tony figured, that was something that would never change about him, no matter what he went through.  
  
Physically, he had never felt better. Even within that time before Extremis suppression. It wasn’t as if his body was thrumming with restless energy, something his older body used to feel; a sensation that used to be brought to the surface from maddening ideas that would never cease to rush and tumble around in his head…  
  
No, it was more a calm, underlying reserve of energy that didn’t seem like it would ever burn out. He no longer felt tired, at all, despite having been awake since the moment his eyes had opened to adjust to the brightness of the makeshift recovery room.  
  
Where exhaustion used to travel through his body right to the very tips of his fingers, settling into his bones, it now seemed to have evaporated.  
  
He could feel Loki’s magic inside him however; an undercurrent reservoir of power resting within his blood, ready to aid Extremis in any way necessary, to defend against potential threats to its host.  
  
Tony had yet to discover just how his body would utilise that power. He really, really hoped he wouldn’t have to find out. Loki had said his body would not be able to manipulate the magic. Tony only hoped that that remained true in the face of Extremis.  
  
It took Bruce clearing his throat for Tony to break away from his internal musings and finally offer up an answer. “Fine, I guess,” slipped past his lips. Bruce’s scepticism was obvious, but Tony figured that at least his answer hadn’t been an outright lie, for all intents and purposes.  
  
Bruce observed Tony for a few more seconds, realising that that was the only response he was about to get from Tony before walking toward the door, removing his lab coat in the process, motioning for Tony to follow. “Shall we?”  
  
Tony nodded once, trailing behind Bruce as they walked out the doors of the lab, heading toward the common room of the tower to wait on the other Avengers; the lights and holograms of the lab shutting down behind them.  
  
Once they were inside the room, they settled into the couch; attention focused on the reports Friday had opened up once again of the Avengers battle in London.  
  
“Loki said that even he hasn’t encountered this alien race before,” Tony muttered from next to Bruce as they watched the CNN replay of Thor taking down twelve of the soldiers with Mjolnir on his own. The feed then switched to some of the Avengers talking to local authorities, while Carol helped rally the remaining alien soldiers into S.H.I.E.L.D issued quinjets with Peter swinging off screen onto another building to gather the strays.  
  
Bruce hummed in response, “Richards seems to think they are closely associated with the Kree and Skull empire… or at least situated somewhere alongside them. Their mannerisms are apparently very similar.”  
  
Tony snorted, trying not to roll his eyes. “Reed Richards would know… given how far he ventures to prove his obsession, pardon me, his _theory_ of the multiverse.” Bruce seemed unable to stop the small laugh that escaped him. “You really don’t think he has much basis, do you?” Tony’s eyebrows shot up at that; turning to consider Bruce. “Do you?”  
  
Bruce shrugged, attempting to stop further laughter from breaking free at Tony’s bewildered expression. “Well… his research does have certain compelling points to it.”  
   
Tony threw his hands up in exaggeration. “Oh come on Bruce! Really? The only thing Richards has managed to prove overtime is the idea that Victor Von Doom has no qualms about attempting to _murder_ people he once considered friends.”  
  
“I thought that was a rumour.” Tony’s frown only deepened.  
  
Bruce chuckled again. “Does the possibility of the multiverse unsettle you that much Tony?”  
  
Tony tried not to let disdain show in his reply, feeling something heavy settle into the pit of his stomach; his hazel-green eyes lingering on the back of the blue, white and red uniform on the screen in front of them.  
  
“I’d rather not entertain the thought of multiple me’s possibly existing out there in the rest of the universe if I can help it.”  
  
Bruce remained silent for a long moment after that.  
  
Friday’s voice eventually drew their attention away from the screen when she announced the ETA of the Avengers, which was supposedly only minutes away. Huh, so they weren’t going to S.H.I.E.L.D  for a debrief. Unless Hill was coming to Avengers Tower for that. God, Tony hoped not.  
  
Bruce shifted next to Tony, as if considering how to go about what he wanted to say next. “They weren’t gonna leave you know?” he eventually seemed to settle with. That drew Tony’s attention toward the man.  
  
“At the call out,” Bruce elaborated, “Barnes and the Captain. They refused to leave your side the entire time. It was only at Natasha’s insistence that they both smelled that they managed to leave for a few minutes on end to shower and eat, and for the fact that both she and Clint needed motivation to leave your side themselves.  
  
"The only reason Steve and James managed to leave at all was because Loki gave them his assurance that he would bring them directly to you the moment you woke up.”  
  
Tony’s eyes widened at the revelation. That was certainly some sort of progress given how much the soldiers seemed to dislike the god. But then again, as the saying went: desperate times…  
  
“Clearly Loki didn’t live up to his promise.”  
  
Bruce shook his head. “He had very well intended to… but apparently given what he saw of your… mood when you woke up, he didn’t think any immediate company, or as he put it, interrogation, of any kind would be welcome. So he sought me out instead to help offer up assessment on how your body was progressing. The only reason he didn’t bring me down himself was to give you some time to adjust. My cue was to be when Helen called.”  
  
Tony didn’t know how to react to that knowledge. Loki had… done quite a lot for him, considering how Tony had reacted to the god when he had woken up. Saved his life for one, and still seemed to have Tony’s best interests in mind.  
  
He had said that he had saved Tony’s life because he was important to other people despite the personal cost to himself. But Tony could see it so clearly now, with the Asgardian’s magic flowing through his veins, could _feel_ it, that Loki did in fact care about him. That it was no longer just an assumption but a fact, that he considered Tony, his friend.  
  
“Helen and I also had to reassure Steve that you would be fine in the meantime seeing as nothing acutely worrying was taking place,” Bruce continued, drawing Tony’s attention once again; something in his tone suddenly making Tony feel a little uneasy.  
  
“Though I suppose, the Captain’s sense of duty would have taken him to the fight eventually, considering the Avengers really would need the guidance of their leader in a confrontation with unfamiliar enemies. Barnes though…” And Tony felt his heart constrict at the mention of the soldier;  memories of blue eyes widened in horror, watching him make a downward decent while trapped in his armour, clouding his mind for a moment.  
  
“I felt like I saw, whatever else of him that was remaining after he saw you fall, die when he followed Steve onto the quinjet bound toward London, having to leave you behind. Tony…” Bruce’s eyebrows furrowed as he regarded Tony closely, “What’s going on between the three of you…?”  
  
Tony took in a sharp inhale of breath, suddenly feeling a tightness in his throat. He only managed to blink back at Bruce, his mouth unable to form words.  
  
The furrow between Bruce’s dark brows deepened. “I know you guys have gotten closer… And I’ve been grateful that after the war, we’ve all managed to get to a point where our initial camaraderie has been regained. That we’ve become almost like each other’s family, with our numbers only growing. But Tony… this thing… between you guys is _different._  
  
“I initially thought that maybe I was reading into things, especially considering that no-one else seemed to notice or even care for these nuances in your interactions, which are no longer just that but something else entirely now.  
  
"I mean yeah, the flirting was obvious, but then you do that with everyone Tony, and if people reciprocate then we all know you well enough by now to know that it’s only a bit of harmless fun… however with everything I’ve seen over the last couple of weeks, I’m almost certain now that I’m not mistaken.”  
  
Tony tried to get his breathing back under control, into a familiar pattern of inhale-exhale.  
  
Of course Bruce hadn’t originally acknowledged Tony's interaction with the soldiers for more than what it appeared as on the surface, whereas the others like, Clint and Natasha, Rhodey and Carol, hell even Scott and Sam had picked up on something more.  
  
Bruce had always liked to give Tony the benefit of the doubt. He liked to trust that Tony would be the one to clear rumours and tell him what the reality of any situation was. Because that’s just who Bruce was. At least with Tony. He trusted Tony to be honest with him.  
  
Bruce hadn’t been there with him the night the others had left Tony alone with the soldiers; hadn’t been there when Steve had clung to him, promising to find a way to save Tony somehow, bringing their mouths down into a desperate kiss as he broke down around him, telling him that he loved Tony.  
  
He hadn’t been there with Loki, when Tony had been going out of his mind imagining the worst as he held onto Bucky’s unmoving body in the ruins of a Hydra base; kissing his chapped lips when the soldier opened his eyes.  
  
No, Bruce hadn’t been there when Tony had found Natasha in the common room kitchen almost a year ago, sitting alone in the dark, eventually revealing to him about how much Steve cared for him, how hard the aftermath of the war had hit him, simply because he had gone against Tony.  
  
Bruce had not been there three weeks later either, when Bucky had confronted Tony, informing him about the potential armistice that could have stopped the entirety of civil war.  
  
(Tony didn’t know why he had the sudden urge to curl up into a ball).  
  
“What are you trying to say Bruce?” He eventually managed to voice out; his tone sounding hollow to even himself.  
  
“Are you absolutely sure you know what it is you’re doing Tony?”  
  
_Am I sure I know what it is I’m getting myself into?_ died on Tony’s tongue before he could get it out. What was the point when he knew the answer would be a resounding no.  
  
“You don’t approve, doctor?” he asked instead, unable to meet his friend’s eyes.  
  
Bruce sighed; removing his glasses to rub at his eyes, before reaching over to place them on the glass coffee-table.  
  
“It’s not a matter of whether or not I approve Tony. Frankly it’s none of my business. It’s your life and you can do with it as you please but…I only ask that you think long and hard about what it is you really want.”  
  
His dark eyes shifted to the cut-out newsprint Peter had framed and hung up on the wall, of only a handful of Avengers, battered and bruised, yet still standing in the aftermath of the Infinity War.  
  
Despite the fact that it had been hung up for sentimental reasons, in acknowledgement of a hard earned victory, it was also a stark reminder of the fact that the other Avengers had refused to stand together to take the picture, still dealing with the unresolved repercussions of the preceding Civil War.  
  
Bruce’s eyes moved back to Tony’s. “People tend to forget that I was there, on your side, when the others stood against you. I know what you went through, how alone you felt in that moment, when your friends sided with the man, that at the time, was suspected of killing your family.”  
  
Tony took in a shuddering breath, trying to steady his heartbeats as he always did whenever his thoughts would venture off too far into the past. Those were moments he never liked to relive.  
  
Bruce likely noticed his discomfort, for his voice took on a softer tone. “I’m not trying to deter you Tony, believe me I’m not.  
  
“Maybe Extremis was supposed to happen.” At Tony’s shocked reaction, Bruce sought to explain. “I only mean that maybe this is life’s way of presenting you with an opportunity finally, to have what you’ve wanted, a chance for a re-do, a shot at the peaceful life. Isn’t that what you wanted since before Ultron?”  
  
Tony was lost for words as he looked anywhere but at Bruce. What was he supposed to say to that, when he knew it to be the truth?  
  
_'Sipping margaritas on a beach somewhere, turning brown instead of green…’_  
  
_‘Isn’t that why we fight? So we can end the fight? So we get to go home…?’_  
  
“How do they… How do they… take away from that?” he asked Bruce once he found his voice again.  
  
Bruce took in a long breath, considering his words. “I don’t deny their feelings for you Tony. I don’t know how far they run but I can’t deny how broken they were, how broken we all were, when we thought there might be a possibility that you wouldn’t come back but…  
  
“You and I both know that sometimes despite how you might feel about a person at one point in time, that feeling in the long run, might not be enough to sustain a relationship.”  
   
Tony could see the underlying heartache in Bruce’s eyes as he thought on Natasha. They’d had this conversation before, the two of them, when things had finally settled after Thanos’ defeat. How the both of them were too old for complicated relationships, how Bruce had managed to keep his distance from Natasha; his experience with Betty only solidifying the idea that the Russian could do much better than a man who could barely keep it together most days.  
  
Tony had admitted that he, himself, had made the right decision calling it off with Pepper - that she had deserved so much better. Bruce had then told him, that it didn’t matter that Tony hadn’t managed to find his happily ever after with Pepper - that Tony could always find his simple life even if it hadn’t worked out with her; that hadn’t meant it was impossible.  
  
“Tony, I worry about you.. _all the time_ \- you have no idea - a sentiment I share closely with Colonel Rhodes, who only left your side three nights ago when added back up was needed, I should add. You’re my best friend. The closest thing I have left to a family and I’d do anything within my power to make sure you’re safe. Even if it’s from yourself… and _especially_ from people that have hurt you in the past.  
  
“I know you care about them, I mean that much was obvious when you almost died, twice I may add as a result, bringing back one of them… but is that enough to carry you through the rest of your life, for however long that may now be?"  
  
Bruce leaned in closer toward Tony; his eyes large and pleading. “Despite their intentions, they have hurt you before Tony, in a way more severely than any lasting physical injuries. I know we’ve moved past that, but that doesn’t change or erase experience and history.  
  
"God forbid this ever happen, but what if there is some sort of falling out again? Even if temporary, what if somehow you managed to hurt each other again? Can you genuinely look me in the eye and tell me you will be able to walk away from that unscathed? That it couldn’t possibly ruin you beyond repair? _Can you?_ ”  
  
Tony inhaled slowly through his nose a few times to gather his thoughts. The fact remained that the simple answer to Bruce’s question was once again, _no._ He couldn’t guarantee that.  
  
Hell, hadn’t his doubts forced their way to the forefront of his mind, the first night he had spent with the soldiers? Albeit self-doubt had been the strongest contender then, rather than the concerns Bruce was voicing right now.  
  
Despite the arguably favourable physical changes his body had now undergone, Tony still felt entirely inadequate. Physical changes could never truly alter who you really were at the core of it all. Take Steve for example. The super-serum managed to manifest what was pure inside all along.  
  
Irrespective of Extremis, Tony would still remain… _Tony._ Who was a giant fuck-up in the grand scheme of things.  
  
No, no, no, he berated himself. No. He would no longer think that way of himself. He had made a promise to his former self and most importantly to Pepper, to never think of himself as worthless.  
  
He had finally acknowledged at the edge of desperation that he had done a lot more good to hate himself to that extent. He had come too far to throw that all away in this moment of self-doubt.  
  
Though worthless or not, that still didn’t change the fact that he was undeserving of the soldiers.  
  
Even if what they said was true, in how much they wanted him, would that ever be enough? Could he truly look Bruce in the eye and convince him, as well as himself, that he could have a peaceful forever-after with the soldiers?  
  
The mere thought of the idea seemed ridiculous in itself.  
  
Given the history between them, how could it even be possible? A scenario where they didn’t end up hurting each other? Where Tony didn’t fuck up in some catastrophic way that could drive a wedge so deep between them, there was no unrooting it.  
  
Tony didn’t think he had enough in him to survive ever seeing expressions of hatred on the beautiful faces directed toward him.  
  
There was no question about it.  
  
It would cripple him.  
  
It must have been something in his expression that made Bruce reach over and place a gentle hand on his shoulder in momentary comfort.  
  
Bruce moved his head in front of Tony’s, finally making the engineer meet his eyes. “What about Marissa? I though that maybe, was actually silently praying, that something would happen between the two of you. She’s really nice Tony, cares about you in a way strangers never would, not that you’re strangers considering how long you’ve known her.  
  
“I felt like she could be really good for you. She even managed to ground you at times where I felt like I couldn’t. The simple life like the Bartons. I could see that for you… with her.”  
  
Bruce cracked a small, dejected smile at that. “Maybe not a farm but something close enough… like a super-lab condo for domestic, mad geniuses. It could all be a possibility. A life of peace that you’ve always, always deserved - right from the moment you gave up making weapons.”  
  
Tony considered Bruce’s words. He, himself, had thought that hadn’t he? The sensation of settling hitting him the hardest when he had seen Marissa again, after all these years.  
  
The woman was as beautiful as she was kind; laugh lines present around her mouth and in the crinkles at the corner of her eyes. She was damned smart too. Could even give Tony a run for his money, certainly in her own areas of expertise.  
  
They shared an easy camaraderie; inside jokes from their younger days that still didn’t fail to elicit laughs from Tony when they were retold at the dinner table between them. She was graceful and wise, elegant and sophisticated when she needed to be yet was incredibly selfless underneath it all.  
  
And the greatest thing Tony liked about her was that she was a giant dork, who ate too many sweets and laughed at all his lame jokes and told some of her own.  
  
He could see it all now… Given time, eventually falling in love with her, building her a house somewhere far away, living together, just the two of them in the beginning, getting up to the craziest experiments they could come up with… and if she wanted, then a wedding, and maybe… just maybe, the possibility of a family of his own.  
  
If things were different, they could have grown old together...  
  
Tony couldn’t help the hitch in his breathing that came at that thought. His heart feeling as if it was being pulled apart in different directions, bleeding emotions that he had no idea where to place.  
  
These thoughts were brought to a momentary stop however, when Friday announced the arrival of the Avengers. Tony could barely get himself off the couch in time before the elevators leading to the common room opened and half the Avengers, still in their uniforms, bruised and battered, came barreling in.  
  
Carol and Peter were the first to reach him; the former of the pair pulling him forward before lifting him off his feet into a bone crushing hug. “I can’t believe it! I thought the bastard was lying when he met us on the quinjet.”  
  
“Whoa, easy there with the goods, Warbird. Don’t wanna put him back into the coma he’s just gotten up from.” Despite the words, Tony could somewhat make out the easy grin that stretched Peter’s mouth behind the fluff of blond hair that was obscuring his view. He tried not to choke on the golden strands.  
  
Carol’s beautiful face, smudged with a little dirt at the sides, mirrored Peter’s expression as she put Tony back on the ground; slapping him twice on the back when Tony started coughing, forcing air into his lungs (but it was all for show,  don’t tell Carol). “Alright Shellhead?”  
  
Tony waved her off, struggling not to smile himself. “No thanks to you, Captain.” Her grin only widened.  
  
The bastard in question that the woman had mentioned, was likely Loki - who had materialised for a few seconds, taken in the surroundings with the Avengers present, made a look of Loki-like disgust before disappearing from sight once again.  
  
“- Tony?” Tony’s attention drew toward the right when he heard the familiar voice, his insides feeling warm with affection.  
  
“Where is he? Will you move out of the goddamned way? Yes, yeah, okay, _now_ please - ” Rhodey’s voice cut short when he finally reached Tony; his expression morphing into one of surprise and awe.  
  
“Holy shit… What the hell happened to your _eyes?_ ” Tony didn’t get a chance to respond however, when he was enveloped into another hug; Rhodey’s hands running all along his body, looking for potential injuries and examining the apparent changes.  
  
“Huh, I thought he looked a little different,” Tony could hear Carol laugh in the background, “but then again, he goes through about fifty wardrobe changes a day. I just thought he wanted to look extra pretty today, considering the Sleeping Beauty just woke up.”  
  
Rhodey ignored his long time friend’s teasing. “How are you feeling?” he asked Tony instead, satisfied when he could find no apparent injuries on the other man.  
  
Tony shrugged in response. “About the same, Huggy Bear.” Rhodey seemed sceptical with the answer but directed Tony to take a seat instead; the remaining Avengers gathering around him in the sitting area, all faces present directed toward him expectantly.  
  
Some had surreptitiously moved closer so that they could offer their own form of physical comfort to their engineer, or perhaps it was more a gesture to convince themselves that he was in fact still alive.  
  
Thor however, was less subtle in his attempts to get closer; the god pushing past Sam, on the couch next to Bruce (who seemed a little overwhelmed by the number of people that had suddenly entered the room), torn cape following behind him, before taking a seat right by Tony’s feet; large right hand coming to rest on one of Tony’s thighs.  
   
“Better start from the top Shellhead,” Clint hollered from one of the open windows - and how the hell had he even gotten there - before climbing inside to perch himself on the arm rest of the couch closest to Tony.  
  
“Make sure not to leave out important details like who you sold your soul to, to end up looking even younger than me.” Tony rolled his eyes at his fellow Avenger but couldn’t stop the smile that took over his features when he saw the clear relief behind the laughing blue eyes.  
  
So... taking a deep breath, Tony sought to explain.  
  


  
\------II--

  
  
A gentle hand on his arm pulled Tony away from his thoughts where he stood near the kitchen counter; a forgotten glass of water being twirled between his now callus-free fingers. Yeah, that discovery would take some getting used to.  
  
“Huh?” He turned to acknowledge the petite redhead, who was now comfortable and clean, dressed in an oversized iron man sweatshirt and black yoga pants, when the hand on his arm tightened, directing him away from the common room and into the hallway leading to the elevators. “Natasha…Where are you taking me?”  
  
The Russian only answered him when they ascended all the way to the top in the elevator up to his penthouse. “There are people that have been desperately waiting to meet you this entire time Tony. You shouldn’t keep them waiting any longer.” She gave a small, knowing smile; reaching up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “It really isn’t fair,” she finished before pushing him through the doors of the elevator when it opened into the living space of his penthouse.  
  
He felt his heart stop and his breath catch when his eyes landed on the pair of very familiar faces. The ding of the elevator behind him barely registered in his mind; an indication that Natasha had already left the premises.  
  
“…Tony.” Bucky was already on his feet, swiftly making his way toward Tony; blue eyes large and searching; signs of relief and barely repressed joy, with underlying traces of sorrow swimming within their depths.  
  
His hands were unsteady when he reached Tony, bringing them up toward the engineer before immediately pulling the shorter man into a hug. Tony let out a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding; his shaking arms coming around to settle behind Bucky’s waist, pulling the soldier even closer.  
  
This intimacy was like taking in lungfuls of air after being held under water for so long. (As he held onto Bucky, Tony was almost afraid of how he couldn’t fathom ever wanting anything more).  
  
Bucky’s hands were running up and down his back, his nose buried in Tony’s hair as if he wanted nothing more than to breathe Tony in; his mouth pressing urgent kisses to Tony's temples.  
  
He eventually pulled away, only to cup the sides of Tony’s face; thumb rubbing along the surface of Tony's cheekbones while his wide, desperate eyes took in the details of Tony’s changed appearance.  
  
The expression on the soldier’s face was heartbreaking but Tony had little to no time to contemplate the visage before Bucky was placing kisses to each one of his eyelids, moving down to mouth along his jaw, lips lingering at the corner of Tony's mouth, before he shifted once again to rest his cheek on the crown of Tony’s head, still holding the engineer close.  
  
"Please, please, _please,_ don’t ever do that to me again." His voice was soft, low, almost too quiet for normal ears to pick up.  
  
Another pair of strong arms encircled Tony's waist from behind; the body they belonged to giving out tiny shudders. Damp eyelashes tickled the side of Tony's neck as a head of blond hair entered his peripheral vision; hands sneaking their way in-between Tony and Bucky, coming to settle on Tony's chest, on the surface where his heart would be.  
  
“Steve…” Tony attempted to shift in his position to acknowledge the silent tears but the soldiers wouldn’t budge to give him even the slightest bit of room. If anything, Bucky's grip only seemed to tighten. Steve silently shook behind Tony as he nosed at the fine hairs along Tony's nape; open mouth pressing kisses to the skin there almost reverently.  
  
Tony wandered how long they had been waiting here for him, in the quiet living area of his penthouse. They both seemed to have managed a shower in the time Tony had spent talking to the other Avengers, who had not wanted to let him go until they had had all the information they could get out of him about his recovery; some of them berating him soundly (while clinging to him half in desperation and half in relief) for not having told them about his situation earlier on.  
  
Tony closed his eyes as he rested his forehead against Bucky's chest, inhaling greedily the familiar scent of earth and rain. Bucky shifted his flesh-and-blood hand to rub soothing circles to the the top of Tony's scalp while Steve's hands remained protectively cradled over his heart.  
  
The three men remained in that position for a long while after, just holding onto each other before Tony managed to pull away from Bucky somewhat, shifting in his position to finally face Steve.  
  
The blond had his head ducked; short hairs falling into his red-rimmed eyes. The soldier looked distraught, so tired, so worn out, Tony had to wonder if either of them had gotten any bit of rest over these last few weeks. Having just returned from a three-day long mission wouldn't have helped matters either.  
  
Tony leaned up to brush back blond strands from Steve's forehead; fingers gently smoothing the skin there. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay," Tony whispered up at him in a reassuring mantra, while his left hand came to cradle the back of Steve's head.  
  
The super-soldier's voice broke on a sob as he reached out to pull Tony further into him, burying his face once again into the side of Tony's neck. "Please don't ever leave me again," he half-choked into Tony's skin, "I don't think I'll be able to come back from something like that whole again."  
  
"I'm sorry," Tony whispered back while carding his fingers through golden locks. He placed a small kiss on Steve's cheek, placating the soldier. "I never meant to cause any of you grief. I wanted to avoid that completely."  
  
Steve pulled away to finally look Tony in the eye; his expression harrowed. "You have no idea what any of us went through Tony, feeling like we couldn't do our best, failing to help you, not having had enough time to do anything let alone reiterate _how much_ we love you."  
  
Tony's heart broke all over again at the despair he saw in the endless blue of Steve's eyes. He could see himself drowning in them, unable to break the surface to even contemplate escaping. It was only making what he was about to soon do that much harder, becoming almost near-impossible.  
  
Bucky walked over from behind Tony, to come and stand next to Steve; his right arm reaching out across Steve's shoulders to offer the blond his own form of comfort, offer acknowledgement of his suffering through empathy.  
  
"Loki came through though," Tony offered with a small smile. "Extremis is finally stable."  
  
Bucky looked back at Tony with an intense scrutiny, as if he was finally _seeing_ him, becoming conscious of all the apparent changes; his blue eyes lingering on Tony's own hazel-green. Dark brows pulled together into a frown. "Yeah... I noticed."  
  
He pulled away from Steve, reaching out for Tony once again instead; his thumbs running along the surface just below the hollows of Tony's eyes. They continued the exploration of his face, shifting from nose to cheeks, to lips and then into the fine strands of his dark hair, combing through the sides, where hints of grey used to exist.  
  
The soldier took in a long inhale of breath through his nose. "I'm going to miss the greys around the temple," he admitted before his metal hand descended Tony's body, shifting to the front of his stomach, "And the extra squish in the belly."  
  
He huffed out a small breath of laughter when Tony pouted in indignation; moving the pointer finger of his right hand across Tony's lips to stop the protest that was forthcoming from the engineer's mouth. "Missing the beautiful brown of your eyes will hit me the hardest... but that pales in comparison to getting you back. For that I would've done anything."  
  
Tony smiled against the finger, reaching up to pull Bucky's hand away. "Anything, including making amends with Loki I see. That's a good thing you know."  
  
Bucky's steel-blue eyes narrowed.  "I still don't trust him." Tony's brows shot up at that.  
  
"I know I should be grateful for all he's done and don't get me wrong I don't think there's anything we could do to make up for getting you back but, he is still Loki and he's always been a manipulative bastard if nothing else."  
  
Bucky looked over at Steve, who's expression had also darkened, before his eyes shifted back to meet Tony's. "I know you trust him, well at least somewhat, but you out of all of us, have always been the easiest to forgive. I'm pretty sure Clint still wants to stab him with a fork through the eye, every time he's around."  
  
Yeah, that was the understatement of the century.  
  
Steve nodded slowly from next to Bucky. "I'm just wary that he's going to use you somehow Tony." Cerulean-blue eyes locked onto Tony's. "Especially given the fact that he's used his magic to supposedly help you. That could essentially give him power over you that we don't understand, no matter how much he may pretend that it shouldn't affect you."  
  
Bucky snarled at the possible idea. "If he tries anything funny with you, even so much as thinks about asserting any form of control over your person, I'm going to skin him alive with my bare hands slowly, while Thor watches helpless in the background."  
  
Tony would have laughed at that, if he didn't know Bucky Barnes to mean every word. "Hey come on now. There's no need for that. I know Loki's done a lot in his past that shouldn't be condoned but so have the rest of us... and believe it or not there isn't anyone else out there in the universe who regrets his past more than he does."  
  
Tony gave Bucky a meaningful look. "We've all had a chance at redemption, why shouldn't he be allowed it? Especially since he wasn't in his right mind for a lot of the crimes against his name."  
  
Bucky's expression didn't ease up. "I'm taking your word for it now Tony but if he so much as breathes funny around you - "  
  
"I get it soldier, I get it." Tony raised his arms in surrender. "You'll Rambo his ass." He grinned up at Bucky. "This is just a thinly veiled disguise to mask your jealousy isn't it?"  
  
What Tony had expected at the teasing was further scoffing and a sarcastic refusal to his claim; he hadn't however expected Bucky to look away, hands clenching at his sides. "There's no point in disguising something that's all too obvious," was Bucky's response instead.  
  
Tony's breath caught at the admission. He would never get used to how open Bucky could be regarding his feelings or rather his, possessive nature.  
  
"You fell from the sky Tony..." Steve's soft voice drew Tony's attention toward the man, "and we couldn't do anything but watch, helpless, unable to stop the inevitable. It was like the battle of New York all over again. Except this time, I had everything to lose on the line.  
  
"So you have to forgive us for feeling the way we do."  
  
Tony had to look away; his insides feeling heavy again. These admissions were not going to make walking away any easier. How was he even going to attempt to do so..?  
  
Though as he looked up at Steve, Bruce's words hanging heavy at the forefront of his mind, back at the honest, virtuous man, full of life and kindness, Tony knew that walking away should be the _only_ option. Like he's thought on many times before... he would only taint the good.  
  
"Did you guys get any bit of rest? I hope you haven't been waiting here this entire time?" Tony eventually asked once he found his voice.  
  
"Believe me, when I say that we wanted to come to you straight away when Loki informed us you were awake," Steve answered. "But we thought it was best if we gave you time to talk to the others first. God only knows how long they've been waiting. Peter had already made ten laps around the city before he finally acknowledged that you would need more time before waking up.  
  
"I guess it was us just being selfish in a way - wanting your undivided attention when you did finally get to us. Now that you're here - "  
  
"I should go," Tony interrupted, feeling as if the world was about to end. Again. "Rest. I haven't slept in over fifty hours and I'm sure you guys haven't gotten any rest while you were off fighting aliens either."  
  
Steve reached out his hand in invitation with an urgency to his voice. "Then come to bed. With us."  
Tony shook his head in response.  
  
"Tony _don't_." Bucky's hands trembled at his sides; his breaths faltering. "Don't do this again. I swear to God - "  
  
"I'm not," Tony shook his head again, "This isn't." Dammit! This was proving harder by the second.  
  
Steve took a step forward. "No," Tony jerked back. "Stop."  
  
"You are doing it again Tony." Steve looked about seconds from breaking down again. "You can't walk away. Not now. Not after everything. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you don't want us anymore? You're going to deny wanting to be with us?"  
  
Tony felt frustration grasp him again. "It's not a matter of me not wanting you Steve. That's clearly not the issue here." He ran a hand through his dark hair.  
  
"The issue is my sanity and above all _my choice._ " Tony regarded Steve with anguished eyes. "You, Steve... You are like the sun." And that admission didn't even come close to how Tony saw the man...But it was a start. "Me...? Tony Stark? I'll only end up tainting the pure."  
  
Tony took in a haggard breath, finally feeling some variation of tiredness settle into his bones; mental fatigue that even Extremis couldn't keep away, burdened by the heaviness of the heart.  
  
"But most of all..." He continued, feeling like the words were stuck in his throat as he forced them out through his windpipe, "I'm afraid, terrified even, that if I stand too close... I'll only end up getting _burned_. To the point that there'll be nothing left of me to salvage."  
  
Bucky gave a hysterical laugh from the side, short-lived and almost maniacal in nature. "And what about me Stark? I guess in the grand scheme of things, in that heart and brain of yours, I simply don't matter right? I'm nobody."  
  
Tony had to smother down the need to reach out for the man, to hold him close and deny those awful words. No, now was not the time to give in. He gave a hollow laugh of his own. "You my dear, are like the wonderful night that never ends and I'm scared shitless that I'll only be lost forever."  
  
Bucky looked to interrupt but Tony continued on, "I know things seem simple now, maybe even straightforward, but in the long run? Where are we going to end up? We've done that to each other in the past, hurt each other so badly that at one stage it seemed near impossible that we could recover from it. Well at least it felt that way to me."  
  
"Things have changed now Tony," Steve spoke up again; pale brows drawn together in desperation. "I thought we already established that. I don't know how much more obvious we could be in our feelings for you? And I thought given how you responded to us, you at least somewhat reciprocated them. Enough to give us a chance. We haven't even started a proper relationship and you're already giving up?"  
  
"That's just the point I'm trying to make here Steve. That even if you might feel a certain way about someone now, who's to say that's ever going to be enough?" Tony questioned the soldier, echoing Bruce's words from earlier.  
  
"How will you know if you don't try?" Steve countered, more in exasperation this time.  
  
"Because I don't think I have it in me any longer to walk away sane if things fall apart again."  
And if he was honest with himself, things always seemed to fall apart where he was concerned. One only had to look at history to know that that was the truth.  
  
The stunned silence that met him was enough to show that he had at least managed to get his point across. "After the war, I didn't even think we would get to the stage of friendship, let alone easy camaraderie that we have managed. And I don't think I could ever show my gratitude enough for how far we have come but... to change this dynamic somehow into something else, something new entirely, could ruin the equilibrium we have already reached."  
  
"This isn't some equation you can manipulate Tony - "  
  
"Damnit, that's not what I'm saying here," Tony countered; fierce eyes locked onto Bucky's equally fervent gaze.  
  
"I don't deny your feelings," Tony eventually offered; expression softening when he looked back at a forlorn Steve. "I don't deny mine either. But Steve. Can you guarantee, give me your word, that things will always be like this? That somehow, somewhere in the future, we won't end up disagreeing? That we won't somehow end up hurting each other?"  
  
Tony decided to leave out the part where he thought that he would be the one to royally fuck things up as usual. "As sentimental your reasons are now for starting a relationship, can you be absolutely certain that its nature will always remain the same, that you won't feel like its reason enough for me to change certain aspects of my behaviour or personality? Because everybody here knows that that's impossible."  
  
"How can you even question that we'd want you to change Tony? We don't want to start a relationship with you because we think we could use it as a means to try and manipulate you. We want one because we care about you and want you to be with us for as long as we are all around. How could you even think that we'd try - "  
  
Tony shook his head, making Steve pause. "I know your intentions are pure... I could never question them simply because it's you. You don't have a manipulative bone in your body Steve, I  _know_ that. Hell, why else would I call you virtuous? But that won't stop you from wanting. Wanting things that I might never be able to give you.  
  
"There'll be times that we disagree, there have always been times that we've disagreed... but that was as comrades, allies and even then it hurt... but if you change the relationship to something more, it's going to hurt even worse. Because you'll feel as if your opinion should hold a higher esteem now, even if the desire is subconscious, that thought will linger at the back of your mind. And when I don't respond the way you want me to, it's going to start driving a wedge."  
  
"That's not gonna happen."  
  
Tony gave a dejected laugh. "Yeah, that's what Pepper said in the beginning as well.  
  
"Before she realised that I wouldn't stop making suits, wouldn't stop putting myself in harms way and wouldn't do everything in my power to try and change the world for the better."  
  
"You're no longer the same man Tony Stark."  
  
"Maybe my ideals are no longer the same... but that doesn't change who I am inside. You remember what Erskine told you right?" Good becomes great, bad becomes worse.  
  
"I'm sorry... That's all I've got left to say. _I'm sorry._ I really have thought about this. Superhuman or not, extended life or not, my greatest asset as well as my greatest liability is the fact that I'll always remain, _Tony Stark_. And no matter what, or who it is, neither fact, nor person will ever change that."  
  
And that was his greatest insecurity, something he was certain he would carry for the rest of his life.  
  
Steve suddenly gave out a disbelieving bark of laughter that had Tony immediately directing his attention toward the man; the sound unsettling Tony.  
  
"Do you honestly think you can walk away now Tony? That after everything, you'll feel safe from any disagreements we might have as _friends_ ," the word was spat like acid on his tongue, "simply because we're not together? That it won't hurt just as much?"  
  
Tony flinched at the directness of the words; his heart hammering in his chest with each step Steve took toward him. "Will you be able to look me in the eye from across any room and not feel any spark of want or desire through your veins? Not remember the night when you fucked me into the floor and held me close, let Bucky do the same to you?"  
  
Tony's breaths came short as he was backed into a corner; his back meeting solid wall as Steve leaned over him, crowding him in the small space. "I'm going to have to try before it's too late," he managed to reply; his voice catching in his throat.  
  
He felt kind of dizzy with how close Steve was to him; his lips barely a hairsbreadth away from Tony's, breathing in his air. "How do you know it's not already too late?" Steve whispered against Tony's mouth; blue eyes focused on Tony's parted lips. He didn't wait for a response however, before his mouth soared down to meet Tony's again and again.  
  
The kiss had Tony's head spinning almost as soon as Steve's mouth met his. The pink flesh was soft in contrast to the hard press of his mouth against Tony's. A needy sound left Steve when he parted Tony's lips to slide his tongue against the bottom seam, pressing his own body further into Tony's.  
  
His right hand came up to rest against Tony's hip, before sliding lower in order to bodily lift the engineer off his feet - Tony giving a yelp of surprise at the action; hands hooking under Tony's thigh to keep him in place as he pushed Tony back against the wall once again.  
  
Steve nipped at Tony's lower lip, bringing it between his teeth and sucking the appendage into his mouth; his breathing hot and harsh against Tony's skin. His left hand tugged harshly at Tony's hair while his mouth continued attacking Tony's own. The soldier's right hand ran along the expanse of Tony's thigh, occasionally coming to settle on his ass before continuing their exploration again.  
  
Steve kissed like a man dying of thirst, as if he couldn't quite get enough of Tony to sate himself; needed more of him until there was nothing left.  
  
"Can you tell me that you'll honestly be the same Tony?" He breathed into Tony's skin, "That'll you'll be able to forget what this feels like?" Steve pushed himself up along the length of Tony's body where he stood between the engineer's legs, leaving Tony's mouth only to drag his lips along Tony's jaw, down his neck and along the shell of his ear.  
  
"Who will you think of when you go to bed at night, aching and needy? Will you think of your _friends_ then, without wanting more? Will you be able to take someone else to bed without imagining what it was like to have _us_ there instead? Tell me Mr. Stark," he bit harshly into the outer cartilage of Tony's ear, making Tony involuntarily whimper, "Is it so easy to move on?"  
  
Tony's could hear his rapid heartbeats in his chest, or perhaps they were Steve's with how close the other man was; Tony's mouth unable to form words to counter anything the blond was saying. This was unfair. This was entirely unfair. And Steve should know it yet the soldier didn't relent his assault on Tony's sanity. He wanted to cry in frustration from the injustice of it all.  
  
How could he deny Steve's words if he lacked conviction? One touch alone from the man and he'd been rendered into a helpless mess. How was he going to assert his stance if he didn't give the pair enough to take him seriously?  
  
He took a long, wavering breath before pulling his head to the side and away from Steve's mouth in a clear indication that he meant for this all to stop. Steve eventually managed to take the hint, moving away, even if reluctant; the action dropping Tony to his feet.  
  
Tony took a few moments just to compose himself, staring determinedly at the opposite wall before eventually forcing himself to look back at Steve defiantly; hoping to show disapproval through his expression. "You can't do this, if it's not my choice," Tony bit out.  
  
Steve however, seemed undeterred. His eyes were assessing yet determined, where they trailed along the length of Tony's body deliberately, before settling on Tony's own. His cheeks were flushed red; naked desire still apparent in his visage as he looked back at Tony unflinchingly.     
  
Tony was suddenly acutely aware of the heat the soldier's body was generating within the barest space Steve had allowed between them. "I'm not going to deny you your choice Tony," he eventually voiced out; the intensity of his gaze not lightening. "Nor your freedom to make it. I only want to show you the utter absurdity of your decisions because believe it or not, this matter doesn't only concern you but all three of us.  
  
"But if you're still hellbent on your bullshit reasons then so be it. But don't expect either of us to just roll over and take it as you intend. We've been down this road before with you denying your feelings and avoiding us, keeping your distance because you think it's for the best while the two of us feel like complete shit, figuring it's because you don't want us. We almost thought we'd lost you for good Tony. I thought I'd lost you again. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"  
  
Tony thought back on the time when he had seen Steve shot right through the heart, dying on those courthouse steps. The feeling of bile climbing up his throat never went away at that horrid memory. So yeah, he could empathise.  
  
"This entire time, I was beside myself thinking that I'd wasted all this time again, that instead of telling you I loved you sooner, I had spent it struggling with my feelings when I was half in love with you right from the start. That I'd lost my chance at happiness once again. Because somehow I became the unlucky son of a bitch that was the definition of someone who waited too long.  
  
"But when they told me that there was even the slightest glimmer of hope that you would survive this, because lets face it Tony Stark, you are a fighter if nothing else," Steve's expression had taken on a reluctant fondness despite his ire of the situation, "I don't think I've felt that much relief, that much joy in a really, really long time. Because I thought that this was it. That when you survived this, there was no way I was ever letting you go."  
  
He reached out as if to place his hands along Tony's shoulders to convey his feelings, but thinking the better of the action, he drew them back to his sides in frustrated defeat.  
  
"And yet here we are... Because of insecurities you don't want to face."  
  
"That's not fair Steve. That is so. Not. Fair. My reasons they're," and Tony seemed to be struggling to convince himself here in the face of an indignant super-soldier, but he had to force his words through, he needed to have conviction, "valid. At least to me. You'll be able to see that in time."  
  
Steve scoffed. "Yeah. Right."  
  
He backed away from Tony now, putting further distance between the two; his expression not changing. "Bucky's not the same as me. If he doesn't agree with something then he doesn't comply. Don't worry though," Steve added at Tony's startled look, "Your _choice_ is all that matters apparently," he bit out, moving toward the elevator.  
  
"But like I said, don't expect us to go back to being your chummy buddies, pretending like being your _friend_ is something we're content with." He paused once to give Tony one last look over his shoulder, "When in reality, all either of us want to do right now, is push you up against a wall and fuck you senseless."  
  
He didn't look back.  
  
It was moments after Steve had left when Tony felt enough strength in his legs once again in order to move. As he made his way toward his bedroom on unsteady feet, he was ashamed to admit that he hadn't even realised when Bucky had left the premises; the only indication that the soldier had even been in the penthouse being a deep fist-shaped indent in the wall next to the elevator doors. 

 

  
\------II--

  
  
"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes." Tony immediately turned to the right to acknowledge the voice; bringing his martini glass to his lips as he surveyed the smiling brunette. He took a small sip of his the bitter liquid before placing the glass back onto the counter of the bar, laughing when he was immediately enveloped into a hug.  
  
"I'm glad to see you're doing so much better." Marissa pulled back to let her gaze drift all over his person before settling on his eyes, "More than better in fact. You know Bruce told me the differences were astounding but I hadn't expected this."  
  
Tony laughed in time with the woman; his eyes crinkling at the teasing. "Well you would've gotten a firsthand look had you been there at the time Dr. Tanner." Tony passed Marissa his own drink before hailing the bartender for another; the geneticist not hesitating in taking a sip from the already used glass.  
  
She hummed in appreciation at the taste. "I wanted to be there Tony... More than anything." Her expression turned solemn as she looked back at him; her green eyes heavy with emotion. "I would have stayed the entire time. But I'm sure Bruce would have told you about the emergency at the Fielders lab in Belgium. I only managed to help save five people by the time I got there. The toxicology reports were horrifying."  
  
Tony nodded in understanding, placing a hand over her delicate one. Yes Bruce had mentioned to him about the unauthorised experimentations that had been undertaken over at Fielders, with unidentified specimen that could turn bone marrow into liquid if contamination of human subjects occurred. The finer details of all that had gone down was still classified. Marissa had immediately been taken to the site in an attempt to salvage all that could be.  
  
Tony smiled at the woman, reaching over to tuck a strand of fly-away hair behind her ear.  
  
"I know. I'm only pulling your leg. You were of more use there then at the bedside of a man who might never have woken up."  
  
She clicked her tongue at that, feigning annoyance at Tony's words. "Don't even joke about that Stark. It was hard enough knowing that I couldn't do anything to help prevent what eventually happened let alone accept that possibility."  
  
Tony let his gaze travel across the hall to where guests of the night stood around in various places, or swayed to music in pairs on the dance floor, at the evening gala. The function in place was one of Pepper's or rather S.I.'s, charity events that the Avengers were coerced into attending as well, seeing as they also needed new sponsors to help gather money to cover damages that had occurred in London.  
  
Tony had argued that his presence had entirely not been needed given that he was only a part-time Avenger at best, and also because he had been mostly dead - for all intents and purposes - during the Avengers encounter with the aliens in London.  
  
Pepper, as expected, had not taken his comments all that well. (The moment Mrs. Hogan-Potts had seen him alive and well however, she had tentacle-grabbed him, sobbing hysterically into his chest, promising to murder him herself if he ever died again, only letting go when five other Avengers had pulled her off, so Tony supposed he could do this for her).  
  
He allowed himself a small smile when he caught her eye from across the dance floor where she was wrapped up in Happy's arm, moving slowly to the jazz-music. When the bartender placed his new order on the counter, he lifted the glass toward her in acknowledgement, winking in the process. She only stuck her tongue back out at him. He huffed out a breath of laughter catching Marissa's attention.  
  
"Do you miss her?" Her voice was so low that had it not been for Extremis, he wondered if he would have caught her question at all. "I do sometimes... but not in the way you might think."  
  
He turned to face the brunette once again. "For a long time, she was my best friend. Yeah I had Rhodey, but he wasn't always around, not that that was his fault of course but Pepper... she was always my constant. I could always count on her to be there for me. _No matter what._  
  
"When I lost that constant, I felt it like a missing limb. It was hard for a while..." His eyes drifted to where Peter was slow dancing with M.J. before shifting to where Carol was challenging Thor to an arm-wrestle, "But I made some friends along the way... so it's not all too bad."  
  
Marissa seemed to track his line of sight, grinning when she acknowledged what he was seeing. "They really do care about you." She shook her head in mirth. "All day, everyday, whenever I was down in your recovery room, I would find at least a handful of them at a time. Helen had to shoo some of them away when they wouldn't leave your bedside for hours on end, complaining about them getting in the way if only to get them to rest one way or another."  
  
Tony had to laugh at that; warmth spreading in his chest at the affection he felt for his makeshift family. He ran a finger under the breadth of his nose in a sheepish gesture. "Well I can't make excuses for them, they're a bunch of nerds." Right on cue, Carol slammed Thor's hand on the table, cheering in an obscene display of victory while Thor huffed out a feigned indignant need for a rematch.  
  
Marissa shifted beside him, leaning against the edge of the bar-top. "Do you ever want one of your own Tony? A family?"  
  
Tony felt his heart twist a little painfully in his chest. Physical pain seemed a thing of the past for him now considering Extremis, but emotional was an entire bitch of its own to deal with.  
  
Despite himself, his eyes drifted toward the far end of the hall near the doorway where two very beautiful blondes stood conversing good-naturedly with each other. He had never thought Agent Carter's presence could bother him so much. He actually, genuinely liked the woman and yet...  
   
But then Marissa's presence in the periphery of his vision had his attention back on the scientist once again. She had her head ducked but Tony could tell that she was sincerely interested in his answer.  
  
He watched curiously for a few moments; eyes taking in her fidgeting hands, the way she subconsciously bit the inside of her lip, the fluttering lashes. Even from a distance, he could have smelt the honey-rose perfume of her skin, the mint shampoo she had used for her shower, the toffee she had likely had over an hour ago.  
  
The conversation he had had with Bruce just over a week ago suddenly took centre stage in his mind; the words, settling and peace and forever-after, taking precedence over other thoughts.  
  
It would be so easy, just to reach over, wrap a hand around her waist to pull her closer into his chest, tilt her head up toward him and claim her full lips for himself. And he was willing to bet everything he owned that she would comply with everything right through till finish without a single complaint. There was no denying that Marissa had feelings for him... and given time they could grow into something stronger.  
  
Could he really do it though? Listen to the sane part of his mind that was telling him that this was the safer option, that a future with Marissa might actually be viable despite his history of past failed relationships?  
  
She was very similar to Tony in many ways; had an appreciation for science that he did and she readily accepted the dangers he has faced, and could face, as an Avenger - they had had a lengthy discussion about Tony's more than colourful life over dinner many weeks ago.  
  
She also had a better temperament than the women Tony had dated in the past; at least she didn't seem to freak out like Pepper had regarding his choices while she had been with Tony.  
  
"Tony...?" Her voice had taken on an intimate baritone as she moved closer toward Tony; her eyelashes dipping where her gaze was fixed on his mouth.  
  
(This was it then. The choice had been made for him... then why did it all feel so wrong?).  
  
But before she could lean into the now infinitesimal distance that was between them, a strong hand on his arm suddenly yanked Tony a few paces back away from Marissa; a lithe body coming to stand in between them, exactly where Tony had been but seconds ago.  
  
"I think you're confused lady. You should go lie down. You almost made the mistake of touching what's _mine_." Tony could feel the low grumble of whispered words in his bones, causing shivers to roll down his spine. He could only imagine the reaction Marissa would have had.  
  
His mouth eventually managed to catch up to his brain. "Barnes what the hell - "  
Tony could get no further words out as livid blue eyes were immediately on his as their owner turned to face him, saying nothing else before taking Tony's hand into his and pulling him toward the right, away from the crowd inside the hall.  
  
Tony only had moments to register the bewildered, and a little apprehensive, expression on Marissa's face as she called out to him from across the room, before he was forced into the side corridor and manhandled into the closest closet.  
  
"What - What are you _doing?_ " Tony could barely get out, as his back connected harshly with the inside of the door.  
  
Bucky's mouth came but inches away from Tony's own. "I cant _stand it_ ," he growled out, "The thought of _anybody_ touching you, let alone that woman - "  
  
The soldier had to steady his breaths as he regarded Tony with half-mast eyes, that still held a lot of its initial fire. His hands were already on Tony's person, fiddling with the hem of his shirt before sliding under the article of clothing; his fingers burning where they touched Tony.  
  
His dark hair was loose along his shoulders; some of the long strands falling into his beautiful face. Tony could feel his libido spike with how close he was to the other man, as if his body remembered with sudden clarity just how intimate they had been with each other in the past; the only other person to make Tony feel this way. He tried to force down the urge to lean up and bring Bucky's mouth to his own; bury his fingers into that thick head of hair.  
  
The soldier's breaths came harsh where they fanned against Tony's face; the sweet, familiar scent of Asgardian wine filled Tony's nostrils as he breathed Bucky's air; he could almost feel its taste settle at the back of his tongue. It was absurd just how much he wanted Bucky to make him taste it himself, lick the insides of his mouth with his tongue and force the taste through. "Are you drunk?" Tony managed to force past his lips; his eyes unable to stop their constant drift toward the full lips just inches from his.  
  
"I wish I was," was the laughed response; Bucky's mouth twisted up in a bitter smirk. "I wanted to drink the entire bottle of Thor's liquor, just hoping it would be enough to stop my thinking. Just enough for it to knock me out, into the sweet bliss of oblivion.  
  
"Something I haven't gotten in years Mr. Stark, but then being the selfish bastard that I am, I didn't, knowing that my head is the only place where I really get to keep you _forever._ I am consumed with the thoughts of you." The last part was whispered against Tony's lips.  
  
Tony shivered in his position; his eyes widening in surprise and want. All Bucky really needed to do was _speak_ and Tony would become completely undone. How had his life come to this, where his resolve was at complete risk of shattering just by mere words? Words from a man that he found himself wanting _so much_ at times that he couldn't think straight.  
  
This was dangerous.  
  
This was very dangerous.  
  
The fingers on his skin moved along the expanse of his chest before Bucky removed them, only to begin undoing the buttons of Tony's shirt. He leaned his head up toward Tony's ear, "Do you think its okay to play games, моя любовь?"  
  
"I'm not - " Tony's heart started running a marathon against his ribcage when Bucky reached the top button, sliding Tony's shirt and jacket down to his elbows, leaving his chest bare.  
  
"Then do you want _her?_ " The hands on Tony's torso travelled down to the waistband of his pants where fingers paused to unbuckle Tony's belt.  
  
Tony felt desire curling low and hot in his belly, something he had tried to keep at bay from the moment Steve had slammed him against his penthouse wall a week ago, in a much similar fashion to how he was being handled now.  
  
The super-soldiers seemed to have a thing about crowding Tony into small spaces. But then, Tony had to wonder if Bucky would have even reacted this way had Marissa not been in attendance tonight. Given the impatience of the hands unzipping him in this precise moment however, he thought this type of reaction would have been inevitable.  
  
"I see the way she looks at you; greedy eyes taking in their fill every time you're around," the soldier bit into Tony's ear harshly as his fingers trailed along the fabric of Tony's underwear. "Thinkin' she has any right to someone who doesn't belong to her."  
  
"I don't - I don't _belong_ to anyone," Tony choked out; the words sounding hollow even to his own ears. The pathetic lull of his tone was enough to make the super-soldier give out a gravelly laugh.  
  
"Really?" He whispered into Tony's ear; open mouth dragging along the flesh of his cheek. "So you don't remember the night where Steve and I took your body for ourselves, marking and claiming every inch of your skin? Or the morning after where I filled you up with my seed again, my come trailing out of your ass as Steve licked it up?"  
  
His metal hand turned Tony's head up to face him, lips capturing Tony's for the span of a delicate second before pulling away; Tony feeling infinitely frustrated with himself for wanting to whine when the contact ended almost immediately.  
  
Bucky's fingers dipped underneath the waistband of Tony's underwear, pulling the fabric along Tony's legs, dragging his pants down in the process. "Every part of you belongs to us Tony Stark whether you want to admit it out loud or not." Bucky's hands had found purchase on his exposed ass as he kneaded the flesh there.  
  
"Can you fuck her and not think about either one of us? Hold her close and pretend you don't want us in the same breath? I know you were bothered by Sharon hanging around Steve tonight. I could see it in your eyes, confused because you couldn't figure out why it was affecting you in the first place.  
  
"You love him... and you hate that you can't help but care so much. I know you feel at least a little something for me in that heart of yours as well Tin Man... otherwise you would have left me behind in that Hydra base all those days ago when it was about to collapse."  
  
Tony wanted to laugh at how inadequate Bucky's explanations of Tony's feelings for him were. His words didn't even come close to conveying just how much the soldier meant to Tony. He hated himself a little in that moment for how insecure Bucky really was regarding his stance in Tony's life, despite what he said with faked confidence, to the contrary.  
  
Tony felt chagrin mix in with arousal as he tried to fight the opposing aspects of himself to regain his composure and resolve.  
  
Bucky appeared undeterred. "So no, Mr. Stark, you _do_ belong to us and no, the _woman_ can't have you. You are mine. In this life or any other."  
  
"You can't... You can't do this Barnes. You have to give me the freedom of my _choice._ "  
  
"So be it," Bucky snapped, reiterating Steve's words, "But at least allow me this." His mouth was on Tony's skin again, where it tracked the path down his chest; the soldier sinking to his knees to allow his lips to meet Tony's navel, nosing at the fine trail of hairs there.  
  
Tony stopped breathing when he realised what it was Bucky was asking. The wide blown pupils of pale eyes looked back up at him underneath the cover of thick lashes; the blue becoming shallow rims along the edges where black had almost completely taken over.  
  
"I know you're strong enough now Tony... Push me away if you really don't want this." Bucky's voice had taken on a desperate edge as if the soldier didn't know quite what to do in the event that Tony refused his proposition.  
  
Tony's hands trembled as they came to fist into Bucky's dark locks; his heart feeling like it was going to tear out of his chest any moment, he was breathing so hard.  
  
When Tony made no gesture to move, Bucky exhaled a long breath; tension seeming to fall from his broad shoulders. Tony couldn't help it. The man was everything Tony wanted and if this was the last time he would get to have this with Bucky, Tony was going to allow himself this one moment of weakness.  
  
Bucky's mouth was hot where his breaths fanned across the tip of Tony's half-hard cock. He reached his metal hand over to grip Tony at the base before lowering his head. Tony had to bite back a moan at the sight of Bucky Barnes opening his mouth to lick a long stripe along the underside of his cock from base to tip.  
  
The soldier ran his sinful tongue along the surface of a prominent vein, unable to hold back an obscene groan when he swallowed the tip of Tony's cock into his mouth.  
  
Tony threw his head back against the surface of the door, arching his neck from pleasure; legs shaking where he stood.  
  
His cock twitched in response when Bucky swirled his tongue around the head and along the slit, sucking precome into his mouth.  
  
Tony's breaths were coming short, his heart running a mile a minute as Bucky continued to lavish attention to his dick, bobbing his head up and down the shaft. Tony almost came undone right then and there when his eyes flickered down to see the soldier draw his right hand away and into his own pants, pulling out his own length before beginning to jerk himself off.  
  
Tony couldn't help the moan that passed his lips at that; the sight of Bucky jerking himself off while giving Tony a blowjob enough to make him almost come right into the soldier's mouth.  
  
Bucky made greedy sucking sounds drawing more precome from Tony's cock, his cheeks hollowed out as he aimed to take Tony deeper and deeper.  
  
He pulled off for a second, only to look up at Tony through his dark lashes; his face flushed a delicious shade of pink, lips shiny from saliva. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this. Should have just jumped you the moment I saw you again." He gave Tony no time to respond before his mouth was back on Tony's dick, taking him in all the way until the hard length hit the back of his throat.  
  
Bucky's flesh and blood hand continued its attention along his own length, while the metal hand that had initially gripped Tony's hip urged Tony's fingers deeper into his hair in a clear indication for Tony to fuck his mouth.  
  
The sound that ripped past Tony's throat at that should have been entirely embarrassing (and he would've been embarrassed if his brain could do any form of coherent thinking at the moment).    
  
When Tony took the initiative to do what Bucky was offering, Bucky's metal hand shifted down lower, to the bottom of Tony's ass, spreading the cheeks before the fingers reached his hole.  
  
Tony almost forgot how to breathe at that, faltering in his movements for a moment, only being brought back to reality when Bucky whined around his shaft.  
  
When a metal finger breached his entrance, encircling the ring of muscle, Tony's toes curled where he stood, lifting him a few inches off of his feet. He couldn't help the silent cry that left his lips; his body trembling at the thought of anyone walking in, only to be met with the sight of ex-sergeant Barnes on his knees sucking off billionaire, and notorious ladies man, Tony Stark.  
  
Tony pushed Bucky's mouth further onto his shaft, fucking his dirty mouth in earnest now.  
  
Bucky gave no warning as he slipped the metal finger into Tony's asshole; the burn from the intrusion making Tony's eyes water. Tony however, was immediately surprised at finding that the discomfort was replaced with desire, the moment that finger curled inside of him, finding the bundle of nerves; Extremis likely making any necessary repairs.  
  
He shouldn't have been surprised by the fact that Bucky knew exactly where Tony's prostate was, given how thoroughly he had studied that part of Tony's anatomy in the past.  
  
When the sensation of it became all too much, and Tony felt himself close to the point of becoming delirious, he tried to pry Bucky off of him but the soldier seemed to grip the bottom of his ass much tighter in response, not willing it seemed to budge. "Buck- Bucky...Sto- stop."  
  
Tony tried to draw back once again but to know avail. "Bucky... Come on." Tony would have felt mortified at how breathless, how far gone he sounded, had he not been trying to encourage the soldier to pull back. " _I'm going to come_ you asshole."  
  
Bucky suddenly drew back, his cock still hard between his flesh and blood hand, his fingers circling his slit where precome was gathering on the head, only to whisper out a rasping, "Then _come_."  
  
"I have Extremis now. Who knows what it could do - "  
"I don't care," was all that passed Bucky's full lips before he swallowed down Tony once again.  
  
Tony couldn't help it. His eyes glazed over as he looked down at Bucky; the man on his knees for Tony, his lips stretched so prettily around his cock, appearance dishevelled and blue eyes heavy with want... all because of _Tony._  
  
Tony's eyes closed, his mind unable to focus on anything else but Bucky Barnes and how much he wanted him before he was coming, white hot and down the soldier's welcoming throat.  
  
Tony's mind reached oblivion when Bucky eagerly swallowed down his come; his own body freezing as he was likely coming too.  
  
When he had completely sucked Tony dry, licking along his limp shaft to clean him up, did Bucky make any turn to move; his lips pulling off of Tony with an obscene pop as he drew his fingers from Tony's ass. "Your come tastes like mint."  
  
Tony groaned, his hands leaving Bucky's now messy hair as he slid all the way to the floor; his legs feeling like jelly as he tried to catch his breath.  
  
The engineer didn't know whether to laugh or scoff at the comment which was likely made just to rile him up.  
  
Looking back at the soldier, Bucky looked completely debauched - perspiration was gathered at his hair line, his lips were swollen where tiny drops of Tony's come was still gathered. The top two buttons of his now wrinkled white shirt were undone underneath his jacket, while his cock hung limply between his open zipper; hand that had gripped it covered in come.  
  
He appeared to be breathing just as heavily as Tony.  
  
Tony gave into the impulse to swipe his thumb along the man's bottom lip before bringing his finger to his mouth in order to taste himself.  
  
Bucky's eyes darkened where he watched Tony with the same heated intensity. He gave no indication as he wrapped his metal hand behind Tony's head, drawing the man into a filthy kiss, tongue sliding into Tony's mouth without pause.  
  
Tony felt like he was going to go out of his mind from being overstimulated with pleasure; his body fighting to respond to the sensations the suffocating kiss was arousing. Bucky seemed like he wanted to inhale Tony into himself.  
  
Paradoxically the ferocity of the kiss was enough to make reality come crashing down around Tony, brining him to his senses. He forced his mouth away from Bucky's, despite how hard his mind was protesting the idea, turning his head to the side; his chest heaving and breaths coming heavy.  
  
He had to physically push Bucky away - surprised at himself at really having the strength to do so - when the other man chased his mouth, eyes half-lidded and still dark with desire.  
  
"Enough." Tony would have felt proud at himself for how stable his voice sounded at that moment, if he really could get past _hating_ himself for pushing Bucky away.  
  
"You...can't actually be serious?"  
  
Tony had to catch his breath for a few more moments to calm himself before he turned to face Bucky with what he hoped was a sombre expression.  
  
He hated himself that much more when he noticed the look of absolute despair he saw in his favourite blue eyes. "I was serious a week ago as I am serious now." Every second he looked back at Bucky, he could feel parts of himself dying. He had to go through with this however; if he didn't, it would be impossible for him to ever turn away, and that future road would only ever lead to disaster.  
  
"Tony," Bucky reached out but visibly flinched when Tony recoiled from the would-be touch, as if stung.  
  
A low broken sound tore past his throat as emotions ranging from wounded to indignant shifted on his beautiful face.  
  
He shook his head in resigned disbelief before getting to his feet. The soldier tidied himself up as best as he could, taking the briefest of moments, wiping his come on tissues he had materialised from his pocket, before reaching behind Tony for the door; face hidden behind the blanket of his dark hair.  
  
"I hope you find what you seek Mr. Stark. At least one of us should get to have what makes us happy in this life, a lie if it may be." Tony didn't fail to hear the catch in the ex-sergeant's voice at the end; feeling like fingers were clawing at his insides after Bucky closed the door behind him.    
  
Tony remained in his position a long while after, unmoving, left only with the company of Bucky's smell.  
  


  
\------II--

  
  
"Tony?"  
  
Tony's steps faltered halfway between the elevator and the kitchen of his penthouse for which he had made a straight beeline.  
  
He had been so far caught up in his head as he had been these last few weeks, with holding interviews regarding his supposed recovery (he was still considered very high profile despite being an only part time Avenger now, so the public still wanted updates) and meetings with S.I.'s R &D department regarding future devolvements for the company (unsurprisingly having Peter around helped quite a lot in that regard) so seeing Steve seated on his couch in the living area caught him completely off guard.  
  
The man was all dressed up in his Captain's uniform, while on his face he wore a solemn expression.  
  
"Steve...? What are you doing here?" Tony had half a mind to ask Friday why she hadn't informed him of the Captain's presence much sooner, say like in the elevator, but then over the years the A.I. had learned that Steve and the rest of his close friends were allowed access to his penthouse irrespective of his presence.  
  
_Friends._.. The word still seemed inadequate in his mind but that was something Tony didn't have the freedom to think on at the moment - not when Steve looked like he had something serious to discuss.  
  
Steve was on his feet. "I hope I'm still allowed up here. I would have told you but - "  
  
Tony shook his head in chagrin, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course you are. Nothing will ever change that Steve. You can come up here anytime."  
  
Steve gave a small half-smile which was more upsetting than it had any right to be. "It's just after what happened last time, I didn't think..." The man looked away, abashed, his eyes focused on the ground underneath him.  
  
Tony had the sudden urge to tilt Steve's head up and convince the hurt away, but Tony no longer had the right to give into those impulses - it certainly wouldn't help matters - so he waited for Steve to elaborate instead, at a respectable distance.  
  
Steve took in a deep breath, seeming to gain back his courage as his eyes focused on Tony again, earnest and so very blue. "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. My behaviour the other day... It was downright rude and entirely uncalled for. You didn't deserve how I treated you and for that I am so sorry."  
  
Tony's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Well that hadn't been what he had expected. "Steve..." Tony honestly didn't know what to say. The earnestness in Steve's expression made him internally sigh.  
  
Of course the man had probably spent this entire time hating himself for something he would have considered unacceptable behaviour, keeping his distance from Tony more as a form of regret and a silent apology. Honestly he was so damned sincere in his desire to always do the right thing that it left Tony baffled and frustrated, as much as in awe, most days.  
  
The engineer's gaze softened when he looked back up at the genuinely remorseful blond. "Honestly hone-" Nope, that was no longer appropriate now that they were trying to remain only friends and considering how Steve's eyes had widened, Tony acknowledged that endearments were no longer safe to use.  
  
"Steve," he tried again, "Really you have nothing to apologise for - "  
  
"But I - "  
  
Tony held out his hand. "Seriously if I had needed an apology, I would have demanded one."  
  
Tony moved over to his bar, encouraging the soldier to follow. He just needed something to take the edge off, not that alcohol had any effect on him now since Extremis became stabilised. The virus considered the substance to be toxic and eliminated it from his system within seconds of him consuming it. Yay for buzzkill.  
  
Still, just the habit of taking a sip from a tumbler helped calm his mood. "Would you like one?" He asked the Captain anyway for the sake of being polite, despite knowing the answer he would receive.  
  
As expected Steve shook his head. "I only drink Thor's Asgardian mead now since it's the only thing that generates a buzz," he tried a smile again, "And considering I'm about to go out on a mission, I don't want to take any unnecessary risks."  
  
Tony nodded passively while pouring his beverage into a glass; both men in the room fully aware that even if Steve downed all the liquor behind Tony's bar, it would have absolutely zero effect on him.  
  
"So where are you headed to?"  
"It's classified," Steve replied, "They're going to debrief us on the quinjet."  
  
Tony shrugged, "The less people that know..." to which Steve nodded awkwardly.  
  
"You going by yourself?" Tony inquired, taking a sip of scotch.  
  
"Nat and Clint."  
  
The engineer's eyebrows rose at that. "Another mission? I'm seriously beginning to wonder if Barton lied about giving up the Avenger life all those years ago, even though the mooch still spends his time here at the tower a lot. Poor Laura."  
  
Tony smiled fondly at the memory of Mrs. Barton bringing the kids over to see uncle Tony after his recovery; the woman berating her husband for not having returned home in almost two weeks. Even little Nate had had his say.  
  
Steve gave a huff of laughter at that, drawing Tony's attention back toward the man. "I guess a lot of us really haven't had the opportunity to do what we'd originally wanted." The blue eyes that looked back at Tony were all too meaningful.  
  
A moment of silence passed between them that seemed far too long in time, yet not long enough. "Tony I - "  
  
"Listen Steve," Tony interrupted. "I know, _believe_ me I can tell that you feel bad about what happened, but in reality, it's no different to what I expected."  
  
The soldier's hands clenched at his sides as if in self-reprimand. "But how I acted was appalling."  
  
"No it wasn't. You were hurt... and I get that you were trying to prove a point." Steve looked away again, tension in his posture not easing.  
  
"And you were probably confused as well, especially after everything that happened, me almost dying," Tony didn't miss the flinch from Steve at that, "for the three of us to get together before that, only for me to come back and say I no longer wanted any of that, sending mixed signals, for which I should really apologise - "  
  
"You have nothing to apologise for."  
  
"Yes I do!" A spark of green shot out from the tips of Tony's fingers, smashing the now empty glass that he had held between his fingers; shards raining onto the floor in a disarray of shining silver.  
  
Steve was immediately alarmed but Tony held out his arm to placate him, shaking his head; any injuries he had sustained healing within milliseconds; tiny fragments of glass that had imbedded into his flesh being forced out in the process.  
  
Steve's eyes were wide as he watched the enigma of Tony's new healing abilities taking place. "Is that normal?" He asked bewildered; his fingers twitching to reach out at his sides, wanting to intervene.  
  
Well damn. Tony hadn't thought he would have had an audience to his freak-show capabilities so soon - and Steve at that.  
  
"Tony...?"  
  
"Yeah, side effect of Loki's magic, comes at a cost you see. But not to worry," he added with a forced smile, because yes his life still was a fucking mess, "It should wear off eventually. In time."  
  
Steve looked like he had a lot to say regarding the matter and the obvious uncertainty behind Tony's words, what with the pulled eyebrows and the tick in his jaw, but the Captain managed to refrain from doing so.  
  
Tony sighed, moving away from the broken pieces of glass which the roombas in the room had immediately sought to clean, before dragging a hand over his face.  
  
"What I was trying to say before was..." Tony went back to their previous conversation, steering right past the would be disastrous Extremis one, "We should have talked about this a lot sooner, especially before jumping into bed with each other."  
  
"Do you regret it?" Steve asked moments later, after much consideration on his part, seeming to accept, at least for the moment, Tony's deliberate attempts to not discuss what had just happened.  
  
Tony gave a bitter laugh. "Do I what? Regret sleeping with the two of you?" There was nothing he had enjoyed more in his life.  
  
But then his mind shifted to the night of Pepper's charity ball event, to a dark closet room and hurt steel-blue eyes, and Tony had to close his eyes in shame. "I don't even think regret is a possibility...But I wish ending up here could have been avoided."  
  
"There was no need for it to be avoided," Steve's voice was so soft, Tony thought he had almost imagined hearing it.  
  
The engineer watched the roombas retrieve back to their charging station once the mess had been cleaned up. "There's no future down that road Steve. I thought you understood that now."  
  
"Understanding and accepting are two different things Tony... but I respect your decision, hence why I felt the need to apologise in the first place."  
  
Tony looked back at the man who had his head bowed; expression solemn as he gripped the edge of the counter he had been leaning against, tightly. He gnawed on his bottom lip before those full lips stretched to form words again. "Dr. Tanner... You think there's a future for you with her?"  
  
Tony's voice was quiet when he answered, "There could be." Tony had to look away when he saw Steve's grip falter.  
  
"You know, I saw you with Sharon Carter the other night," Tony said instead, still unsure as to why he was about to say this, "She still looks at you the way she did all those years ago, like you could be the centre to her universe."  
  
Her own sun.  
  
Tony had to swallow past the lump in his throat to keep speaking, "As for Buck-Bucky... Natasha... they get along so well together, understand each other in ways nobody else does..."  
  
Tony considered Steve again, ignoring how his heart was shattering. "That... that could be _your_ future, Steve. For the both of you. The possibility of families of _your_ own, the shot at your simple life. We have plenty of new Avengers to fill up any spaces. Unless of course, you're both content with just each other." He tried a smile of his own; the gesture feeling pathetic on his face.  
  
Steve closed his eyes. "So that's what it was for you? You wanted a _family?_ "  
Tony ignored the incredulity in the other man's tone. "No. You know that's not my reasoning. We've been over this."  
  
"Do you love her?"  
"...No." Tony shook his head in honest admission. "But in time I think I could..."  
  
Steve took in a few steadying breaths, nodding to himself, but when he finally turned to fully face Tony once again, Tony's heart stopped when he noticed the glassy blue eyes.  
  
"I understand To-ny," Tony was immediately by Steve's side as the man's voice broke, ignoring his earlier resolve to keep his distance; Steve's face buried in the side of Tony's neck when Tony embraced him. Steve's bigger body shook where he stood in the breadth of Tony's arm; tears he desperately tried to keep in, wetting Tony's neck.  
  
It took almost no time however, before Steve was pulling away, going to stand a few feet away, wiping furiously at his eyes. When he looked back at Tony he was struggling to smile; eyelashes damp and blue eyes heavy with too many unnamed emotions.  
  
The soldier let out a heartbreaking laugh as if he was trying to make light of the situation. "I'm sorry that - that was," he shook his head, "I'm just being silly," he took in a few more breaths, "I should go now Tony, they're probably wondering where I am."  
  
Steve made a show of looking at his watch to discern the time before nodding, "I'll be gone for a few days - Coulson said that was likely - so uh this is goodbye," he sent another shaky smile toward Tony, eyes lingering on Tony's face as if he was taking one final look, one final fill - and Tony couldn't understand why that made him feel so scared all of a sudden, like this was the last time he was going to be seeing Steve - before the soldier's expression shifted to one of broken.  
  
"Bye Tony..."  
  
"...Bye Steve," Tony spoke out loud in the empty penthouse much, much later.  
  
He hadn't realised it then but in three days time, his resolve would turn to shit. 

  
  
\------II--

  
  
"Pepperrrr this idea is going to be _catastrophic_."  
  
"That's rich coming from you."  
  
" _Excuuuse_ me? Vision, back me up here."  
  
"I don't think I'm qualified to make this decision."  
  
"Seriously you're no fun when you're not pretending to be Jarvis."  
  
"I don't believe I've ever - "  
  
"What the heck are you even doing here anyway? Weren't you out mummy shopping with Wanda?"  
  
"To be quite honest with you, I don't even know how I got - "  
  
"Tony. Stark." Uh-oh. That was Pepper's I'm-about-to-throw-a-shoe-as-a-weapon voice. The shoe in question usually being aimed at said Tony Stark.    
  
"But Pepper, it makes no senseee."  
  
"They're Christmas lights Tony. _Christmas lights_."  
  
"But - "  
  
"Which I'm about ten seconds from using to strangle. You."  
  
"I thought you were going to throw a shoe at me."  
  
" _What?_ "  
  
Tony sighed, pulling the other woman to sit on the couch in the tower's common room, dragging a confused Vision along with him. "Jesus. You women really are scary when you're pregnant. No wonder Vision ran away from Wanda to hide out here instead."  
  
"I'm not actually - "  
  
"Enough about your problems humanoid-Jarvis, we have a serious issue to deal with here. And that's Christmas lights."  
  
" _Tony._ "  
  
"Pepper, I love you. I really do, but you can't freak out on me here, alright? It's going to be okay." The engineer reached out to brush back strands of red hair that had fallen across her rosy cheeks; radiant in the mid-stages of pregnancy. He consoled her with his eyes in a form of communication only they understood.  
  
Pepper eventually let out a long drawn out sigh. "I guess I'm just really stressed out about everything. I mean taking maternity leave for one, and then Ingrid," that would be Pepper's glorious mother-in-law, "deciding that she really did want to attend the party after all and given that it's on the anniversary of her first husband's passing - "  
  
Tony squeezed the woman's hand, attempting to calm her, "Breathe Pep. That's it, just breathe." He breathed in time with Pepper, smiling when her breaths eventually steadied.  
  
"Ingrid loves you. You know that. She even threatened to run Everheart over with her tractor if she got too close to you again."  
  
That managed to get a laugh out of the redhead so Tony counted that as a win.  
  
"I know, I know," Pepper nodded, smiling fondly at the memory. "I just wanted everything to be perfect for her, you know, so that she doesn't have to be reminded about the unfortunate past."  
  
"I understand Pep," Tony nodded back, "But wanting to decorate the entire exterior of the tower with Christmas lights that are a particular shade of blue, that _doesn't actually exist_ I may remind you, just because your mother-in-law mentioned in passing that her first husband had once, _maybe_ , given her _almond-blue_ water lilies isn't exactly practical.  
  
"And you are nothing if not a completely practical woman with no known associations with ridiculous ideas. That's more _my_ forte, right worthy-Vision?"  
  
"Yes, that is something I could indeed concur with - "  
  
"I mean I _could_ do it. It's not as ridiculous as far as ridiculous can go so - but Christ, _almond-blue_ , what the hell kind of colour - I could still try though, even if Coulson threatened to throw me out a window if I did anything with Christmas lights again, seeing as I made them self-combust the last time I was in charge of decorations, but man had it been worth it, to scare Clint shitless - "  
  
Pepper laughed again, eyes crinkling at the corners. "No Tony, I get it, it's fine."  
  
"Perhaps," Vision spoke up from next to the redhead, "just making sure you spend enough time with your mother-in-law throughout the night would be all that is required to keep her spirits up."  
  
"Oh yes," Tony rolled his eyes, "Now you back me up, when I've done all the work." Pepper giggled this time, reaching over to pat the android's hand. "Thank-you Vision, you're right. That's probably all I need to do. Just hearing that already makes me feel better."  
  
"You're very welcome."  
  
"Wow. Seriously. Why bother with using the mind-gem when you could have just charmed Ultron out of the internet."  
  
"That does not make any sense - "  
  
Tony turned to Pepper again; the redhead silently smiling at his antics. "Can you believe this guy? Does Wanda know about your playboy ways?"  
  
Vision's expression was deadpan when he replied, "She likes to call me 'cute'. Does that count?"  
  
Pepper broke into another fit of giggles at that; eyes shining in mirth.  
  
Tony made a deliberate show of shaking his head exaggeratedly. "Good lord, is there no stopping him?"  
  
Tony felt a warmth settle inside of him surrounded by Pepper's laughter and the familiarity of their dynamic; Vision's faked stoicism only adding to the light feeling.  
  
But as with all things in his life, that moment didn't last long.  
  
Not when he heard Friday's panicked voice filter through the speakers in the room with urgency.  
  
Tony was immediately on his feet. "Friday what's going on?"  
  
" _I'm sorry Boss, there's been an accident..._ "  
  
Tony stopped breathing.

  
  
"I _t's Captain Rogers._ "  
  
  
  
\------II--  
  
  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Recovering," the tired, dejected voice answered much later.  
  
Tony moved over to the end of the bed where he picked up the medical chart with shaking fingers. He didn't even know how he was still standing after the shock of the past twenty-four hours, he didn't think he would've been able to if it weren't for Extremis.  
  
He tried to keep his breaths steady as he read the discharge summary first, which stated that the ventilator had been removed and that the patient would be okay to move to the medical bay of the Avengers tower now. Tony blinked his eyes to remove any gathering moisture.  
  
His gaze travelled along the injured body that lay resting on the bed, stopping at the point where its hand was clasped in the other visitor's own, right by the edge. He placed back the medical chart in its original position before stepping away from the bed.  
  
"What's the prognosis?"  
  
The reply that came back was biting, "Like you don't already know."  
  
Tony supposed he deserved that. He likely deserved any and all hostility that came toward his way from Bucky Barnes. He had hurt the man and his most important person far too many times to count. It was only fair he paid his due.  
  
And yes Tony had heard about what had happened to Steve just over twenty-four hours ago.  
  
The supposedly covert mission he had been a part of had been undertaken right here in Belgium, where the three Avengers had been sent to gather intelligence.  
  
Nobody had expected the three to find alien technology being misused in one of Belgium's world renowned labs and _nobody_ had consequently foreseen that technology being used on them, where Steve had been the one to take a direct hit through the chest; the substance in the weapons seeping into his pores to attack his bone marrow, while substantially reducing the serum's effects.  
  
If it hadn't been for Marissa's previous work and aid, the doctors here hadn't known if they would've been able to do much in time in order to save Steve.  
  
Tony had met the woman when he had made it to Universitair Ziekenhuis Leuven, _seven hours after_ the incident had taken place - and he needed to have words with Maria Hill about why he had been informed so late - hysterical and panicked as he had been at the time, with the geneticist asking him to try and remain calm and let her do all that she could to help. That had been his first meeting with her.  
  
Ten hours later, she had returned to meet him in the outpatient area where the other Avengers, barring Natasha, Clint and Bucky - who had been in the beginning granted pass to stay close to Steve seeing as he had been one of the first people on sight - but after Steve's condition had not improved for some time, security protocols had been placed on the hospital, not allowing anyone within three hundred metres of the room for fear of risk of contamination.  
  
Now twenty-six hours later, after the restriction had been lifted and the rest of the Avengers had all taken turns visiting their Captain, did Tony find enough strength in himself to finally make his own.  
  
When Marissa had confirmed that Steve would be okay, Tony had surprisingly felt numb; the same feeling carrying over through till now. He felt so mentally exhausted, he didn't know how much more of this he would be able to take, if he would be able to remain sane after.  
  
The thoughts of the simple life had assaulted him once again, but when he had looked back at Marissa, the woman smiling sadly at him knowingly, Tony understood in that moment, that there was nothing else for him.  
  
He had been damned since the first moment his eyes had landed on Steve Rogers' almost ten years ago.  
  
Tony was drawn away from his thoughts when Bucky's head finally raised to acknowledge him; eyes red-rimmed, and skin sallow. "Why are you here Tony?"  
  
Tony removed his gaze from Steve's body, mottled with bruises - skin that used to wear a healthy colour now a cyanotic blue - away from where an I.V. bag was hooked up to his arm, still actively removing life-threatening plasma from his body.  
  
"I don't know how to live without him," was his reply to Bucky, not knowing if any other answer would be adequate enough.  
  
The ex-sergeant's eyes had widened at that revelation but he still attempted to maintain the precariously balanced walls he had built around himself, to brace him from any unwelcome impact Tony may throw his way.  
  
"You were going to do just fine before," Bucky sneered in response.  
  
"No," Tony shook his head, "That's not..." His hazel-green eyes finally met Bucky's defiant yet grief-stricken blue. Tony felt whatever was remaining of his heart break into further shattered pieces. Just how much more would this poor man be made to suffer?  
  
Tony regarded Steve again. "The thought of him no longer existing... it's _unbearable_." He walked over toward the other side of Steve's bed, if only to be able to brush back golden strands that had fallen over his forehead.  
  
"I mean," Tony almost whispered when he was close enough, Bucky's eyes following his movements closely, "I went back into the past, time-travelled, so that I could save him because I couldn't fathom existing in a world where he didn't. That speaks volumes," his eyes met Bucky's across the bed, "Wasn't it you who told me that way back when?"  
  
When Bucky's gaze lowered, Tony could see the foundations of his metaphorical walls begin to shake.  
  
"It wasn't about making things right," Tony attempted to elaborate, "It was just... I don't know how to explain it, I just..."  
  
"I get it..." Bucky's eyes flickered to where he still held one of Steve's hand in his own, fingers laced together; his tone fighting to keep itself steady, "You love him so much you would do anything in your power to make sure life will give him a decent chance. I did that all my life, make sure I could keep him safe, even if it was from himself, and yet here we are."  
  
"Loving him was a forgone conclusion." Tony didn't miss the gasp he heard from Bucky at his admission. But then, Tony figured it was something to be taken-aback by considering this was the first time he had openly admitted his true feelings out loud. It was just a shame it had taken him until now to fully realise it, even if he'd probably known it all along.  
  
"I thought letting him go, letting you both go, would be giving you your 'decent shot.'"  
  
Bucky's expression darkened. "I'm not gonna change him up for Natasha, neither is he going to leave me for Sharon."  
  
Tony nodded from the side, his voice soft. "I know... "  
  
"Yet that didn't stop you from assuming," Bucky bit back.  
  
"I didn't assume. I theorised."  
  
"I thought I already told you, we're not your science experiments Stark."  
  
Tony figured now was really the moment of truth, no holding back, not anymore; in for a penny...  
"No..." he agreed, before adding something that would completely stun Bucky into silence for a long moment after, "You're only my life."  
  
Bucky's voice was shattered when he found it once again; pointing an accusing finger in Tony's direction, unshed tears threatening to spill from blue eyes. "Don't come in here and pretend to care when all you're going to do is just reach in and rip out his heart. _Again._ He's barely managed to survive this injury. _What more will you take from him, Tony Stark?_ "  
  
"You have every right to hate me," was Tony's self-deprecating reply, "I won't begrudge you of that, but I have to be honest here and let you know that even if I did survive it, I don't think I could remain entirely sane if something happened to either of you." Bucky was stock-still once again; eyes wide open in hysterical disbelief.  
  
"I won't apologise for my behaviour over the recent past, even if I really do have a lot of owning up to do," Tony confessed, "because it's only going to sound pathetic."  
  
He stroked Steve's hair one final time before pulling away, making his way toward the door, pausing to regard Bucky once again. "I know you're tired, I know you feel broken, believe me I can empathise, so the only thing I will apologise for is imposing upon your time. I'm _so very sorry._ I will come by to see him again once he's at the tower, if he lets me near him again. Take care of yourself... _please._ "  
  
"That's it?" Bucky's accusatory voice had Tony's steps faltering; the engineer looking back over at the younger man. "You're just gonna walk away? Is that all you're good at doing?"  
  
"You're clearly upset with me being here..." was Tony's gentle response.  
  
"You're an asshole, you know that Stark?" There was evidently no heat behind the ex-sergeant's words, especially when the man lowered his head to hide his tears; his voice breaking at the end.  
  
Tony gave no thought on it as his feet carried him over toward Bucky, his arms wrapping around the seated man without hesitation; Bucky's face cradled between his hands where it was buried in Tony's chest.  
  
Bucky did not resist the contact, his own arms immediately coming up to wrap around Tony's waist.  He hiccuped into Tony's chest, pulling the shorter man closer. "Yo- you... you're a jer-jerk."  
  
Tony hummed in response, placing a lingering kiss to the top of his soldier's head. "An asshole and a jerk. Traditional, world-renown Stark trademarks." Bucky seemed unable to suppress the short-lived, half-angry laughter that erupted from him; tugging on Tony's sweater to hold him tighter.  
  
Tony indulged in the contact for a few more moments before he pulled Bucky's head up to face him; thumb coming out to wipe at the tear tracks on the beautiful man's face; Bucky's large eyes watching him as if in reverence. "I never told you this but I feel it imperative that you finally know, your eyes..." Tony smiled down at the younger man, "They are my favourite shade of blue."  
  
Tony was so, so happy, almost delirious with it, when he finally saw some semblance of colour returning to Bucky's face where a blush began to creep up along the bridge of his nose.  
  
Before Bucky could begin to make some form of protest however, Tony sealed his mouth with a finger across his lips. "Also," he leaned in closer to the soldier's face, " _I love you._  
  
"More than you'll ever know."  
  
Tony not only saw, but felt, when Bucky's walls completely crumbled down around him - in the grip that tightened fiercely on Tony's waist, in the hitch of the man's breath, in the awe in his eyes, in the way multiple expressions shifted on his face, from shock to hope, to relief to want, to absolute desperation and complete surrender.  
  
"I...I - " Tony stopped him by replacing his finger with his mouth, swallowing any broken response Bucky had been about to give. His lips lingered on Bucky's own for the briefest of seconds before Tony pulled back, coming instead to brush the back of his hand along the super-soldier's cheek. "You don't have to say anything in response now Моя звезда - "  
  
"But - "  
  
Tony shook his head. "I just needed to let you know that. Because it's the undeniable truth. I have hurt you, thinking I understood what was best for all of us, but like Steve's said before, I was just running away from my own insecurities. But I know now. What it's like on the other side, realising that one of the two people that mean more to you than life itself could be no more, and you didn't even get the chance to tell them just how much you love them."  
  
Tony carded gentle fingers through Bucky's tangled locks, his soldier hanging on to his every word with naked wonder. "I could have tried the simple life all I wanted, but that would have only been a lost cause because I was already, undeniably, irrecoverably, wholly and completely..."  
  
He smiled down at Bucky once again, before breathing out the word, "Yours," against the soldier's skin.  
  
Bucky took only a fraction of a second before he was growling, low and deep, immediately pulling Tony back down into a punishing kiss. " _Mine_."  
  
Tony smiled against the insistent mouth. "In this life or any other."  
  


  
\------II--

  
  
On the flight back home on the quinjet, sat on the furthest seat, with Bucky's head in his lap as the soldier laid himself out to catch up on much needed sleep, Tony caught Bruce's eye from across the jet.  
  
The good doctor had been there at the hospital to help aid Steve's transition back to Avengers tower. Tony would forever be indebted to both he and Marissa, and smiling, he figured Loki too, considering the god had done so much for him, the most recent of his help being in teleporting Tony straight to the Belgium hospital when he found out what had happened to Steve.  
  
But as he looked back at Bruce, he couldn't stop a small smile from gracing his features when the man mouthed a question of 'are you sure?' at Tony.  
  
Tony's smile only grew, the engineer nodding in the process, mouthing back a 'never been more sure.'  
  
He eventually fell into a peaceful slumber as they flew Steve back to their home; hands still buried in the mess of Bucky's hair.  
  
  
\----II_____Fin  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> моя любовь = my love  
> Моя звезда = my star 
> 
> (And lmao don't ask about the scene with Pepper, Tony and Vision. idek)
> 
> Thank-you so much for sticking with me if you've been here from the start. If you've left messages of encouragement, they have meant the world to me. 
> 
> Bye friends! (Hope you had fun through this journey. Thanks for reading!)


End file.
